layers

yesterday:

- i drank coffee for the first time in months and it was delicious
- i wrote a letter to someone with the intention of not sending it. but once complete i decided to send it. one of the best decisions i've ever made.
- m2 told me she has been craving crepes and is actually losing sleep over this.
- lou diamond phillips told me he loved my accent and all i wanted to say back was 'you were great in la bamba'. i resisted the urge.
- i had dinner with three people - parents of my friends. i realized i love them as much as i love my friends.
- my mac decided that it's battery no longer holds any charge.
- my obliques hurt from over zealous yoga the night before.
- i stayed up too late.


today:

- the sun came out in nashville and i basked in it for a full hour. feet propped up on a chair outside on the patio of tpac. it was blissful.
- luca laughed and my heart melted.
- i ate half a giant bag of little lads popcorn for dinner. it is made using mystery herbs. i've figured out dill, sea salt and nutritional yeast. but i'm not sure what else is involved. it is addictive though, so probably cocaine.
- i told a friend some of the things i miss most about new zealand. the more i thought about it the more i missed. as i was typing my list clever google popped up with an ad for flights from lax to auckland for $900. i was oh so tempted.
- i realized i'm so inconsistent with this blog.
- my domino necklace purchase from etsy arrived. it is even more lovely than i had expected.
- i shot my final tv spot for channel 2 news for my official broadway season
- became a fan of tulsi tea - sweet rose - with a splash of half and half and a dash of agave. mmm
- i stayed up too late again.

the day ended

with lots of the things i love:

free wifi
panera's fuji apple salad (how can you not love this combo: pecans, gorgonzola cheese, field greens, organic chicken, crispy apples = deliciousness)
macs
sitting next to a power outlet
sunshine streaming in

sunday snapshots

the sun finally came out so my friend angela and i decided to spend a sunday exploring nashville's finest alleyways and finding interesting walls. and doors. and textures. in the process we learned how to fly.

silhouette and song

photo credit: toby robert anderson

someone recently was talking to me about finding their life partner. she said the secret to her success was not going for her 'type' but rather finding her 'complement'.
she didn't really elaborate. but at the time it made perfect sense. now i'm a bit more fuzzy. what if your 'type' and your 'complement' are the same? and how do you know if they are not?

and on that note. well not really related at all except for the fact that it reminded me of the color wheel and complimentary colors - i love this photograph for its bright blue and orange.

love.

if you met luca, you too would be smitten.

the last freeze

they tell me spring is just around the corner. this helped me not panic when i woke up this morning to see this view from my 'tree house'.

hodge podge

i found out that my car is made of plastic. who knew? i found out when i tried to slap on a nine pointed star magnet onto my bumper and it wouldn't 'stick'. i somehow feel cheated.
*
when it snows in tennessee (as it did tonight) it results in people driving like they are hallucinating. they swerve and slam on their breaks for NO apparent reason. and then they rush to the store to get eggs and canned milk. like the apocalypse is around the corner.
*
today i tasted 'persian icecream'. it is vanilla bean icecream with crushed pistachios, rose petals, rose water and nutmeg. it was the most delicious icecream i've eaten (except for my all time favorite - giffords black berry buggaboo fudge - which they've discontinued and i'm still distraught about that)
*
it was so heartwarming to see a 70 year old man open up his wallet and see that he had a picture of his wife inside. that's the kind of love i want to find.
*
i can spend hours on this site. today i bought this necklace that i want to put on an extremely long gold chain and wear all summer long.
*
i might go trampoline shopping tomorrow.
*

one of my vices: diet coke with lots of freshly squeezed lime. khayli meechaspeh.

so dawn and dusk pictures are not as easy to take as i had anticipated. i'm not a fan of using the flash when i take pictures because of how it changes colors...but capturing objects when there is little natural light is really hard. i need a tripod. or less shaky hands.

i spent most of my day in a film editing suite creating a ten minute montage for the Tennessee Performing Arts Center's upcoming 08/09 Season Launch event. this little ten minute film took SIX hours to create. i have such respect for filmmakers. it's such detail oriented work. the smallest edits can make such a difference. and hours of work are poured into a frame or two.

it occurred to me the other day that i have one of those jobs that i didn't know ever existed. i had never considered what went into marketing theater...it just hadn't occured to me. when the job description was emailed to me (while i was still working with CAA) i remember reading it and thinking i would love this role. problem was i had no background in marketing. no business degree...no experience in marketing and PR and just had completed my MA in publishing and editing so it wasn't really a position that i was well-groomed for...but i wanted it.

to this day i think my oddly unidentifiable accent got me the job. and the fact that i didn't hold back in the interview. i love theater and i figured i can sell anything i love. i'm sure i used lots of hand gestures and excited-too-fast-talking to get this point across.

i am lucky because i really do enjoy my work. i was reading a list i had written a year ago describing what i wanted in my next job and i was able to check off all of the requirements. working within the arts and entertainment industry, having autonomy, being creative, having stability, travelling, being challenged, healthy work environment, non corporate, non repetitive, collaborative, social...all the elements that were important to me are covered. in a months time i fly to New York for a week-long Broadway League conference. a chance to network with other broadway marketing managers from around the States, attend workshops and go to a bunch of Broadway shows. i am staying in a boutique hotel in Times Square and i'm only a LITTLE bit excited. :) that is a total lie. i'm inordinately excited.

i'm also tacking on some time the weekend before and after to visit nyc friends. i expect to come back tired and poor. blame the city that never sleeps, the great shopping and recent transplant roya azadi.

**

want to expand your mind today? do some research on Epigenetics...in my oversimplified terms this is the study of how the cells in the body, even DNA is affected by ones thoughts. marabeth is reading a book titled 'the biology of belief' and it describes how genes and DNA do not control our biology...but rather our DNA is controlled by signals outside the cell, including energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts.

woah (!) is right.

**

three hundred and sixty five days later.

this week, exactly one year ago we drove to tennessee. it was an innocent road trip. a chance to escape maine's sordid winter and see some friends/family. we had planned to stay a week - ten days at the most. i would never have imagined a year later i'd be living here. that my world now would be predominantly wrapped up in nashville, tennessee.

one day to fill in time we went to play frisbee golf. the air was crisp and clear. spring had arrived. i looked at the lush green grass and felt the sunshine on my back and in that moment i realized i didn't have any desire to be back in the north. the novelty of scraping ice off my windscreen and living in snowboots had definitely worn off. this picture is from that beautiful day.

after people learn about the events that have transpired in my life over the course of the year i often get the surprised look of concern and the question of why i didn't pack up and move back to my beloved city of melbourne. i suppose it makes sense to have wanted to be near my family and friends. but i have truly felt like i was supposed to be here. nashville and its inhabitants took such good care of me. i remember songwriters at EMI who barely knew me asking me to have dinner with their families, in efforts to look after me. strangers became instant friends. people smiled and meant it. i really feel like this was the best place for me to be during this past year. i couldn't really explain it then, i can't explain it now. i just knew i needed to enjoy the green of the grasses i was standing on, and that the rest would sort itself out.

as i'm fasting this year i'm so vividly reminded of last year. and i'm so glad i trusted my intuition. that i didn't do what was 'expected' and a year later, here i am. and so happy to be here.

wide. awake.

not a fan of:

1. underscores. they_just_bother_me
2. comic sans font
3. self checkout aisles. i know they are supposed to be efficient but they are usually annoying. (side note: the last time i was at a self checkout i had bought a couple of muffins and as i was trying to figure out how to pay for them the machine started to 'help out' by repeating in a very loud and demanding voice 'please move your muffins'. it struck me as funny the first time, but then it started repeating it over and over like a maniacal chant and making SUCH a scene. it wasn't very clear where i was supposed to move my muffins to. and so i was placing them in the bag. eeengh (!) wrong. out of the bag on the scale. wrong again. eventually one of the staff came and helped me out. i couldn't help but feel like the machine had insulted me with it's loud demands of 'MOVE YOUR MUFFINS'.
4. terms like 'webinar' (online seminars) and 'webisodes' (online tv shows)
5. ice crunchers. people who crunch ice. with their teeth. perhaps it's because i have sensitive teeth and i know that if i tried something like that i'd be in immense pain
6. napkin waste. when you go through the drive through and you get half a tree worth of napkins with your meal. i often try to give them back saying 'i'm really not that messy! save a tree!' but then i'd be the crazy woman at the drive through. so it's a dilemma
7. not having an automatic spell checker on my blog so my posts end up riddled with errors
8. not having access to a time machine
9. fruit that looks good but tastes bland. stop tricking me with your colorful healthy looking fruit american supermarkets.
10. sideways tennessee rain. there is no escaping it.
11. joy squashers.


a fan of:

1. lists (oh really?)
2. procastination (i could be packing)
3. polaroids (new obsession. let me restate that. new, expensive obsession)
4. almond butter and white hawaiian honey (i could eat this combo for breakfast/lunch/dinner and not tire of it)
5. the office (just watched some 'webisodes'- see you cringed right?)
6. unique mugs
7. TREES
8. trampolines. marabeth and i really want to get a huge trampoline for our back garden. trampolines are a catalyst for fun. and broken limbs. but mainly fun.
9. holley seals-lizarga's couch and company
10. exploring cities with no agenda besides adventure
11. finally succumbing to the world of purchasing ringtones. do you know how soothing it is to wake up to iron and wine's 'such great heights'? so incredibly soothing.
12. nouvelle zelande

mistakes i've made. and hopefully learned from. and those i keep making.

1. packing four cans of red bull into my luggage
2. sarcastically telling someone at a party that you are supposed to shake hands with your right hand duh! - only to find out he was missing his right arm
3. refusing to buy thermals or wool socks (or any kind of appropriate winter attire) while living in maine. it's a wonder my toes didn't fall off from frost bite.
4. thinking that i couldn't get sunburnt on a florida beach on an overcast day.
5. flushing a whole salmon down the toilet in an attempt to clean out the fridge.
6. entering in a coloring competition under my brother's name. (he 'won', got his picture in the paper and his prize was a bed shaped like a racecar.)
7. overdosing on citric acid - resulting in 'cwipple lip'
8. ironing pants while wearing them
9. flushing plastic fruit (props for a play) down the toilet backstage of my highschool auditorium. (uhm. do we see a theme here?)
10. driving headfirst into a tree on my 16th birthday
11. underestimating the black diamond run at the mt. hutt ski slopes
12. cutting all my hair off in an attempt to look like winona ryder

mistakes i keep making and obviously not learning from:

1. when breaking the fast i THINK i can eat more than i actually can. but yet inevitably i pile up my plate and eat it rapidly with glee and then suffer the feeling of being way too full for the rest of the night. so full that i have to lay on my back on the carpet of my living room floor and in awe that i was ever hungry in the first place. moral of the story: slow down. chew. take breaths. eat half and wait a bit.
2. driving too fast. i don't think i can get out of any more speeding tickets. i've used up all good and lame excuses.
3. writing stuff on my blog that causes my mum to worry. see #2.
4. asking for my coffee to be extra hot and then burning my tongue on it when my order is made correctly.
5. never being prepared for the weather. i lack an umbrella on rainy days and sunglasses on sunny days. it would make sense to carry both at all times - especially in nashville where the weather changes every hour - but that would mean being prepared and i like to live on the edge ;) actually, i just don't like carrying stuff.
6. buying orchids. let's face it - they are high maintanance plants and not one i have had has lived for longer than two weeks. it's time to quit.
7. when they say to get to the airport two hours in advance it's actually not a formality. i should at least TRY to get there so i don't have to keep doing the frantic mad dash to the gate
8. not reading washing instructions resulting in many a shrunken item of clothing
9. keeping the volume up on my speakers at work which means i get busted with a very loud DING every time someone tries to message me using g-chat
10. not getting salt and vinegar chips for dinner when that is all i really want. succumb to the craving already!

dusk 3.3.08

steaming hot rice with tahdig and ghormeh sabzi. mmm.
m2 i know that you are right now thinking 'golriz?! what is that? what's in it? what is that green stuff?'. and i'd tell you 'coriander' and you would raise your eyebrow in a mixture of confusion and concern. but i also know that if you were here you'd eat it and love it.

'brown paper packages tied up with string...these are a few of my favorite things' - the sound of music.

i arrived home today and there was a large box outside my door. all thoughts of hunger dissapated because as we all know - i'm hardly subtle about it - golriz loves parcels in the mail.

i opened the box to find that jen's ayyami-ha presents for marabeth and i had arrived. the most beautifully wrapped presents ever. they are the type of presents that you carefully open because so much time has gone into the gorgeous packaging...plus the wrapping paper is lush and doublesided. how cool is that?

very, very cool.

dawn - third day of march two thousand and eight

my fasting companion and i both share a dislike for overhead lighting so in the glowing candle light marabeth chooses a prayer to read to start our day.

seven years ago we also fasted together in israel. we would wake to the sound of the 'fasting bird' aptly named because it would seem to wake with us pre-dawn and belt out its morning call on the top of its little lungs. (do birds have lungs? they must) anyway, the first day or two it was endearing - hearing this bird CAW outside our window as we tried to go back to sleep. by day three it was our arch enemy. we loathed the fasting bird and its grating song. today, seven years later, no fasting bird...we did hear a woodpecker in the distance, and the windchimes outside. we ate muffin loaf (what happens when you run out of muffin pans but still have lots of muffin mix) and a fried egg each. it is never easy for me to eat so early in the am. but i do it so that at 3pm i'm not dellusional and dizzy.

leila and amy have invited others to share photographs of their own, and i love seeing the contrasts between their experiences so i'm going to try and document the dawns and dusks that i experience until march 21st.

xg

carousel ride

saw will hoge last night. it was okay...not great. m2 first introduced me to his music last year. she has an uncanny ability to find a song that relates to whatever you might be going through...she'll sing the lyrics and go 'see? it's talking about your life' and whether you like it or not, she's usually right. so his track 'carousel' was definitely on the soundtrack of my life in july 2007.

anyway, i was a bit dissapointed with last nights performance (and not just because he didn't play my favorites), but i felt like he lacked engagement with his audience...it was almost as if he was just going through the motions and not really invested in everyone around him having a good time. or even excited about his music. so he was bored and i was bored.

*

today i began packing for the imminent move. i have packed and unpacked more in my life than i feel anyone ever should. with every move i've realized how little i need and want 'stuff'. every year for the past 10 years i've had to sort through the things i've accumulated and ask myself if i really want to carry it with me for the next step of this journey. and it's good to have to make that decision. to leave things behind. to realize once i no longer have them that i don't miss them afterall. it's freeing.

but today was tough. photographs. journals. cards. letters. going through all of that was heavy and not really liberating. i kept taking breaks to sit in the tree house (it was such a beautiful spring day) and try not to think about how divine it would be to drink a cool glass of water (first day of the fast was today). i did little sections at a time. and eventually marked one box with 'deal with later' because that is the only option i could handle.

*

it's 11.11pm. remember how we would make a wish when all the numbers on the clock were the same? where did we come up with this rule? i wonder if i will ever be able to see 2.22 or 4.44 or 11.11 and not think about reminding you to make a wish?

*

do you ever wonder what shade of blue your blood is?
or am i just a wierdo?

*

i miss lots of people all the time. that is one of the downfalls of not sitting still in one place. you make amazing friends, they enter your world, they become 'regulars' and then overnight they are no longer in your sphere of existence. well they are still part of your life...but not in person. and i shouldn't really complain afterall i am lucky enough to be alive in an age of cell phones, air travel and our friend the internet...but still, i miss you. and you. and you.

*

over the weekend i participated in my first 'secret santa'. i realized two things: i have little patience for group games and that i really want a wood whittling set. i had one but it was 'stolen' off me. the whole 'you can steal someone else's gift' rule is lame if you ask me. and i know it teaches you 'detachment' but to that i say: detachment shmetachment.

if i had a wood whittling set i'd whittle a plethora of spoons and maybe even a little bowl if i decided to be really ambitious. i'd hopefully not lose any fingers in the process. but as marabeth has to remind me constantly not to hold fruit in my palm as i cut into it - i might have to come to terms with losing a digit or two.

*

khozouei's

today i really missed my family...more than usual. i so look forward to seeing mum, roshan and anisa at the end of the month. in other news, my dad's sideburns are a force to be reckoned with.

ten times out of ten

my dear friend marabeth has a problem. the problem is that she cannot get away with anything. so much so that it has become a catch phrase for us to say "marabeth gets busted. ten times out of ten".

the thing is, marabeth rarely does anything that would land her in trouble in the first place. after all, i'm the deviant out of the two of us. she is honest to a fault, ultra considerate and very conscientious. while i, on the other hand, am a bit less so on all three counts. (i'm working on this).

one of the first times i realized how vulnerable maz was to getting 'caught out' was when we 'borrowed' a new van from the baha'i world center in haifa, israel. these vans are strictly meant for use on the baha'i property, or for work related purposes. marabeth had needed the van earlier in the day for a legitimate reason, and we figured while she had it we would take a quick harmless detour to the store.

our trip went smoothly until we went to park the van later on that evening. there was another car parked very closely to the entrance of the parking lot resulting in marabeth entering the gates to the lot at an awkward angle. suddenly she was inches from scraping the side of the brand new van against the brick wall.

i don't remember how helpful i was in this situation, but i have a feeling i was probably sitting in the front seat and laughing so hard i couldn't breathe, while she panicked. there was no going forward, or reversing without doing some damage...and we couldn't just sit there diagonally blocking part of the street and the entrance way...so she had to pull out and we heard the crunch of metal. no good.

of course a report had to be filled explaining the 'accident' and i'm sure eyebrows were raised as to why the van was being returned several hours after it was expected. incident one.

incident two that i recall was even worse because marabeth was busted for something that i encouraged (okay, perhaps bullied) her to do.

once again, this took place in haifa. i'm cringing even thinking about it. so we had a pizza party where we bought small individual pizza bases and people chose their toppings etc. we overestimated and there were about 15 pizza bases left over. one day i was tired of them taking up all the room in our freezer. they were well past the use-by date and all frost bitten. time to dispose. israel doesn't exactly have the most efficient garbage removal system. in fact, i can't really recall what we did with our trash (the residue NZer in me wants to write 'rubbish').

anyway, i decided, genius as i am - that it would be hilarious to frisbee them out of the window of our apartment (we were on the 3rd floor). i figured they were biodegradable and they'd become compost in a matter of days. i frisbeed the first one out of the window into the night sky and collapsed laughing as it spiraled through the air and landed on the road below. there were some poor pedestrians looking up at the sky examining these mini dough ufo's and i was on a roll. marabeth watched me with concern and i berrated her for being such a 'grandma', for not ever 'letting go' and having some fun. i teased her about not being spontaneous until i finally coerced her into throwing one of the pizza bases out the window. she gave in. i died laughing.

the rest of the bases i took care of in the same manner and then happily skipped off to a friday night talk.

i came home to a very steely marabeth. she then explained to me how minutes after i had left, our downstairs israeli neighbor had come up to our door in a rage and furiously demanded that marabeth go downstairs and pick up every last soggy pizza base remnant from the road and the garden below. it had started to rain so as you can imagine how much fun it was clambering through mud in the dark fishing out semi-defrosted dough while a rather scary israeli woman watched on. using a tone i'd never heard before, marabeth quietly but firmly informed me that i was going to march downstairs with flowers that she had bought and apologize to the neighbor and inform her that i was the culprit of this prank-gone-wrong. luckily the woman had calmed down a little bit when i got to her door. still, i felt awful.

there was also the time marabeth tried to be 'helpful' by cleaning out the fridge of a friend's apartment that we were staying in while our flat was being painted. once again, there was the dillema of how to dispose of trash...and so going off the advice of another friend she decided to flush foodstuffs down the toilet. it all seemed to be going well until the last flushing and the random green olive that bobbed around in the water.

a few hours later while marabeth and i were in our room - me on the phone and her trimming her hair, we heard the other flatmate in the bathroom making concerned sounds. we then heard her flush the toilet followed by her exclaiming, 'uh oh!'.

again she flushed. and that's probably when it hit us that the whole 'disposal' idea was not such a good idea. and we hid in our room and pretended to be asleep. long story short, the toilet overflowed and it was marabeth's fault for trying to be a good houseguest.

there are countless other incidents. but i was reminded of all this again tonight when i checked my work email to see a message sent out by my boss to the entire marketing department with the subject line 'missing lamp!'.

today marabeth and i had rearranged our workspaces in the office and she had found a lamp that no one was using - or so she thought. she dusted it off, and placed it on her desk. opening up this email i see that our boss had himself placed this lamp in the newly renovated office and was quite concerned about where it had disappeared to. marabeth had to email him and basically admit she had taken it.

it just reinforced to us that even things that no one else would ever get in trouble for, she manages to get busted for.

ten times out of ten.

blatant endorsement

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hello, my name is golriz

what's in a name? that which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet

shakespeare's romeo and juliet , 1594

*
at least three times i day i spell out my name. the conversation always goes something like this:

sorry, say that again...goal whaah?

gol-riz. i know...it's unusual. i'll spell it for you. Gee Oh eL Rrr I Zed

zed?

oops, i mean zee.

zee?

yep, zee as in zebra

long pause. your name is gooorize?

close, but more like goal-reeez

golda-reece?

um, not quite. there is no 'd'. it doesn't reallly matter. i mean i don't even know that i say it right.

okay...pause...gloria. It's kinda like gloria isn't it?

not really. no. but that's fine.

*

the other day i got a piece of mail addressed to Gold Reeves. Someone actually wrote "Dear Marabeth, Leigh and Gold Reeves".

*

lately names, or more accurately my name has been on my mind a lot. it's interesting to me the ideas we carry around regarding our names. the interesting relationship we have with them...they are picked for us without our consent and then we live with them or not. sometimes modifying or choosing a nickname or changing the spelling...but our name is part of our identity. my name is...

and there is a reaction that follows. with my name it's either 'sorry, can you please repeat that?', 'what does it mean?', 'where does it come from?', and almost always - 'i've never met a golriz' - to which i respond 'neither have i'.

i was not able to spell my last name (khozouei) until i was about 6 years old. i would always mess up the order of the last few letters. my claim to fame was that my last name had every vowel except for 'a'. but it was a mouthful. whenever roll call was read out i knew when my name had come up because there would inevtiably be a long pause. and then the poor teacher would try their best to sound out the odd combination of letters...

soon, my last name will be changing and i've decided i'm going to choose my own last name. i know that this may seem a little bit radical. actually, i didn't think it was such a big deal until started talking to people about my idea. the mix of reactions was surprising...who knew that it would result in such consternation? it isn't as if i'm going to change my name to a symbol or anything - don't tempt me.

i decided that since my iranian heritage is covered by golriz, i'd like to choose a name that reflects my armenian background. i did some research and i found a name i love. i love the sound of it. i love the meaning. and i really like the idea that it will be my choice. a last name i've chosen for me. i'll share it soon. stay tuned.

*

title shmitle

I love this artistic collaboration that my friends amy and leila are working on during the 19 days of the baha’i fast. Both have such a wonderful sense for composition and color…I can’t wait to see glimpses of the ‘dawn’ they each experience and share on opposite sides of the planet.

**

on our walk to our cars after work (when our brains no longer compute effectively) the strangest conversations between Maz and I occur. Usually we are laughing so much we can't breathe…which is a feat in itself since we are both so tired we are barely vertical. Yesterday’s conversation has to be recorded for posterity:


“He is a little odd looking”

“Yeah…he has that ‘I’m going to kidnap you, take you home and chop you up and put you in my freezer’ look about him doesn’t he?”

“No…I meant something else”

“Really? Like what?”

“Um, he looks like he has no equilibrium”

“Equilibrium?!”

“Yeah. like he might have an inner ear problem or something”

Pause.

“Did you really just describe someone has having no equilibrium?”

“Yep”

“Why can’t you just say ‘balance’?”

“If you hang out with me you have to be down with five syllable words”

**

I love thrift stores. In NZ they are called ‘op shops’ (short for ‘opportunity shop’). I have many fond memories of my mum and I checking them out after school sometimes. I would rummage through all the stuff and find a little vase, or a piece of costume jewelry…it was like a treasure hunt. It cultivated a real love for second hand objects…I’d wonder what the story was behind my little finds…how far they had travelled, whose hands had held them. It’s amazing how many things we amass only to one day belong to someone else. It all transfers and journeys through homes and lives. Once loved, and now found and loved again.

This weekend Marabeth and I were on a mission to find a dining table. We drove down to Murfreesboro and looked at a couple of stores.

We came to a few conclusions really quickly:

- dining tables are expensive

- the comfort of a chair cannot be determined by how ‘cool’ it looks

- we have no tolerance for uncomfortable chairs

- furniture made for outdoor use sometimes looks much better than furniture created for indoors

- poppy red enamel tables are hard to find

- Nashville needs an IKEA

We were getting a little defeated by the process and as we walked through a thrift store that had slim pickings I saw ‘her’ - the most perfect table ever. My favorite style - mid century modern, hand made in the 60’s…and still in beautiful condition. Complete with 8 chairs. Oh the dinner parties that will be had around her lovely curves. The woman working at the thrift store overheard our glee and informed us that the table was to be marked down 25% that same day. I had to restrain myself from leaping up and kissing her. But that would have also meant leaving the table for a second, and that was too risky. I basically pulled up a chair and sat there, in the window of the Salvation Army store…as if I was waiting for someone to bring me my dinner. We promptly bought the table and then went on and on and on, like proud parents about her every feature. How well she was made. How we had eight chairs to work with. How comfortable the chairs were. And so on. You are cordially invited to a dinner party at our new house, around our new table. Date to be confirmed.

**

Important Lesson of the Day

1. Proof reading is not overrated.

I found out this morning that a tag line that a radio station had been running for weeks for an upcoming show I’m marketing had the wrong number listed for tickets. This error is pretty damaging, especially as sales are struggling for this show and so directing people to a number that isn’t the box office number is not at all helpful.

So I decided to call the wrong number just to see where we had in fact directed people to.

And let’s add more awfulness to this situation by having the number that has been in every advertisement I’ve placed be for an adults only xxx party line.

Yeah. Panic stations ensued. I called my rep and the tag will be changed today. It just makes me cringe thinking of all the people that called this number innocently to get tickets to Camelot and instead were given the option to have an ‘exciting’ talk (that is actually what the recording said when I called).

my apartment is freezing...

but we are refusing to turn on the heat. it has something to do with the fact that we are leaving and we don't care about making the last weeks we have in this apartment liveable...there is this sense that being comfortable here is a big waste since we are going to our wonderful new home soon. it's like we want to experience the real extremes.

i know. it makes no sense whatsoever. i thought if i wrote it out it would clarify the situation, but no. it just serves to point out how truly nonsensical it is. as nonsensical as me sitting inside and wearing three layers covered by a puffy down jacket.

want to know what else makes very little sense? we are refusing to buy any groceries because we are determined not to move any food stuffs from one abode to another. which made COMPLETE sense at the time the stance was taken. but now, when i open a pantry that offers sesame seeds, seaweed wraps for sushi, oatmeal, half a box of cereal and three cans of beets i'm a little concerned.

and it brings up the question of why did i ever buy canned beetroot? and not just one can but THREE. i don't even like it. i like fresh steamed beetroot drizzled with olive oil, with feta cheese and walnuts crumbled all over it. but canned? not a fan. i can assure you that these cans will still be there in the pantry on moving day. i might leave them here as a welcome home present to the new residents.

because the first thing you crave when you move into a new place is a can of beets. or three.

*

i took marabeth to zumba. it was supposed to be hilariously funny and a total disaster. but no, turns out the girl is a zumba savant. a total natural. she took to it with grace and poise. and while i was doubled over in laughter she was salsa-ing and shimmying and sashaying effortlessly.

this happened once before...i was telling marabeth about this very difficult yoga pose. a pose that it had taken me a whole YEAR to accomplish...and i was still a long way off from mastering it. i described how difficult it was and how even my instructor had difficulty with it. the next thing you know she jumps up and does the pose...she looks at me and asks innocently 'you mean, this?'. it was as if she was placed on this earth for the sole purpose of doing the pose perfectly. on command. with not a hint of difficulty.

yeah. moral of the story - i'm going to leave her behind next time.

*

a friend asked for my mega muffin recipe. i would share it if there was a recipe but there isn't one. it basically is a combination of everything in my kitchen that you could potentially put in muffins. and it is everchanging. i usually start out with three eggs and then it's anyone's guess from there. somehow even though they contain no oil and no sugar they always turn out delicious. i think the secret is lots of mashed up bananas and grated apples/pears or carrot and berries so they are moist.

anusce - when you visit me in nashville i'll make you your very own batch. reason three hundred and seventy four why you need to come to nashville soon!

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the bad hair i'm rocking is outweighed by the coolness of the sunbursts in our sunglasses.

lots of text doesn't always equate to having anything to say.

i keep finding stuff that i don't need at all but i still want. like this tea stick, this simple but beautiful hour glass and this chandelier wall decal.

what i do need with a needing like i haven't encountered since the days i just-HAD-to-have(!) a gocco print (remember?) is this adorable dining table for our new house. is it not so perfect? see how it fits together like a puzzle? tell me that you don't want to just run over and HUG this table. see. it's actually huggable. there are not many tables you can say that about, what with their hard edges and glass tops. in fact i am not a fan of glass topped tables. i hate the sound of putting plates on them and the constant smudges of fingerprints that you can't avoid. i would actually love an old farm table that has stains from years of use. one that you could place your hot steaming mug of tea on without worrying about it marking the table. in fact, the marks are what would make it more beautiful. and it would fit 4 or 14 easily. and none of the tableware would match. and there would always be wildflowers in some jar in the center. oh and outside the sun is always shining and fresh organic produce is brought to my doorstep every sunday. yes, in that reality i'd want a sturdy wooden farm table. but in current reality, this ikea gem will do just fine.

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so this blog i stumbled across is just made up of beautiful photographs of the dinner this person eats every night. i checked it out and now i have dinner envy.

i love this foodie blog too, but it might have a lot to do with its name: smitten kitchen. because let's face it, the word 'smitten' is just great. it's up there with greatest all time words. i'm not sure why it has so much appeal to me. it might have something to do with its proximity to mittens and kittens, but i think it's more about what it means to be 'smitten'.

dictionary.com tells us that it means:
1. struck, as with a hard blow.
2. grievously or disastrously stricken or afflicted.
3. very much in love.

also

4. to afflict or attack with deadly or disastrous effect: smitten by polio.
5. to affect mentally or morally with a sudden pang: His conscience smote him.
6. to affect suddenly and strongly with a specified feeling: They were smitten with terror.

okay so i guess i never thought about definition 1 or 2. or 4, 5 or 6.

um...'his conscious SMOTE him'? that is a little severe.

the word is rapidly losing it's endearing quality.

*
moving on...went to yoga after work and had a lovely evening with dear holley, baby luca, simon, randy, paula and the contestants of project runway. ate macaroons with tea. it was the perfect dinner. perhaps lacking in vital nutrients but what it lacked in vitamins and minerals it made up for in sweet coconutty goodness and caffiene.
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have i ever mentioned before that the security guard at my work is an elvis impersonator? he is also a little too 'friendly' for my liking, and INSITS on looking at my ID card everytime I walk by him. so now, even though he has seen me daily for almost six months, he still checks my card as if it is the first time he's laid eyes on me. well all this combined to make me a little uncomfortable around him...i try to walk by as quickly as i can and keep communication to a minimum.

and yes, i know i live in nashville. and perhaps i should just accept it. but i have to draw the line somehere...he even has elvis memorabilia decorating his security stand. like an actual mini shrine to elvis! you would also be a little wierded out.

recently i found he not only does impersonations but he is also a stripper. yep. he goes from clothed fake elvis to nude fake elvis. you probably didn't need me to break it down for you. but i want you to know that this is the first person i see every morning when i go to work. this, THIS is how my day begins.

chances of me being able to look him in the eye ever again = zero.

*
i made another batch of mega muffins last night. they have 8 grains in them but no flour. they are so dense that eating one for breakfast tides you over for three days. well not three days, but a long time. they also have bananas, dates, flax seed, oats and berries in them. the baha'i fast will begin soon (march 2nd) and for 19 days we abstain from eating/drinking between sunrise and sunset. these mega muffins will be my best friend during that time.

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tomorrow i'm taking maz to 'zumba'. it's a class at the Y that is basically one hour of non stop latin-american-funk-fusion-dance. although if you were watching me it would not look anything like that. i laugh throughout the entire class, my left and right are muddled, i have tried to figure out the difference between samba, rhumba and mambo but still need some clarification. and i'm also really distracted by the wall to wall mirrors that PRESENT me with my uncoordination - incase I had any doubts about just how OUT of sync with everyone else. i'm also perturbed by the fact that every set ends with our instructor yelling 'strike your unique pose!' and i don't have a 'pose' yet so i usually put my legs and arms out like a stranded starfish. it's pretty much as ridiculous as it sounds.

i know you want to be there.

*

le petit maison

i have always dreamed of living in a little house in a lovely neighborhood. i've done the apartment thing for 8 years and i'm tired of it. i wanted a place with a front door that just belonged to me. and a back garden. and a real mailbox. in maine our apartment had a view of a the ocean. it was spectacular. you know what was NOT spectacular? climbing 4 flights of stairs with groceries every week.

in melbourne we lived on the ninth floor of a brand new apartment highrise. it was swanky and it was located on the main street of melbourne. central to everything. downstairs there was a cafe, a few steps away my yoga studio and a beautiful park i would take henry to every day. i loved being in the middle of my favorite city. but i still craved a little plot of earth that was just ours. being suspended in the air eventually lost its novelty. especially once we got a puppy that had to use a cat litter on the balcony. f taught him to 'ring a bell' when he wanted to go out. no dog should have to be that smart.

today marabeth and i got the news that the house in east nashville we fell in love with is OURS! we endeared ourselves to the owner and she chose us over the other applicants! and so dear friends, here it is! our lovely new home...two years old, hard wood floors, accent walls, a vaulted ceiling in the living room, lots of natural light flooding in, a HUGE back garden perfect for summer night soirees. oh! and the kitchen has one whole wall that is a chalkboard. how fun is that?!

best of all it is in a neighborhood we adore. minutes from an independent health food store, and my favorite cafe for brunch. it is also a measly three miles from work. i could WALK to work. and anyone who knows how much i love to walk will know how happy this makes me.

goodbye zillapedes.
goodbye not-enough-parking-spaces
goodbye woman upstairs who 'shh-es' us when we laugh too loud.
goodbye annoying 30 minute commute to work.

housewarming party. april 12. be there.

a distraction from being ravenous.

since friday morning marabeth and i have been on the 'ph miracle' cleanse.

the main premise of the 'pH miracle' is that our health depends on the pH balance of our blood. the optimum balance is 80% alkaline, 20% acidic. with all the sugar/chemically altered/processed foods we eat, these levels are often messed up resulting in all kinds of health problems. sticking to this diet supposedly changes the chemistry of your blood and balances the pH levels...thus resulting in a healthier, happier you. could i sound more like an infomercial? probably not.

the back cover of the book says the cleanse 'reduces impurities, normalizes digestion and metabolism.' what it fails to mention is that you become so hungry you are willing to gnaw off your own arm. that you never want to see another cucumber again. and that celery is really overrated.

the highlight of the past three days have been the almonds that i've been eating. which is 'cheating' since we are only supposed to have certain vegetables and that's it. we are also supposed to liquify everything but both Maz and I agree that a meal is NOT a meal if you can't chew it.

in case you want to live through the past three days vicariously through me (i wouldn't really recommend it), here is a brief synopsis:

day one:
7am woke up very excited about the cleanse
bounced into the kitchen and drank my lemon juice/cayenne pepper concoction
felt better already

9am drank the 'healing soup' (basically a broth of cucumber/celery/cilantro/garlic/ginger)
9.05am i am so hungry. my stomach starts eating itself. asks me where the regular breakfast of tea and cookie is.

12pm lunch was more 'healing soup' and a salad with no dressing. the salad does have half an avocado on it.
i decide avodados are my best friend.
BIM eats hot steaming bbq ribs in the cubicle next to me. i shoot daggers at him through the cubicle partition.
i want to curl up under my desk and sleep.

REST. OF. THE. DAY: cannot concentrate. lemon water and cayenne is being consumed in large quantities. my eyes are bloodshot. i am shivering with cold and aching all over. i want caffienne and I NEED sugar. i realize i'm addicted to both and feel a bit like the poor people on 'interventions' when they are going through withdrawals. I'd read in the book that you feel worse before you feel better. the book wasn't lying.

day two:
wake up feeling apathetic about breakfast (more healing soup) so i don't bother.
spend all morning deciding what i'm going to eat as soon as i'm off the 'dumb' cleanse
decide that the author of the dumb cleanse had stocks in celery and tomatoes since that is all i can eat.
11am eat a bowl of gazpacho (pureed cucumber/fresh tomato with celery, garlic and cilantro) topped with avocado
11.05am feel immense gratitude for avocados
11.09am finished my bowl of gazpacho but i don't feel like i've eaten anything for weeks.
11.10am eat a handful of almonds
11.11am eat another handful of almonds
11.12am go for my third handful of almonds and decide to leave the house
stay busy running errands, treking around the mall, go to a movie and try to ignore the smell of popcorn.
7pm go to holley's place and raid her 'nut' jar for as many almonds as I can pluck out. accidentally eat a few peanuts. they taste AMAZING.
11pm come home and crawl into bed

day three:
wake up and actually feel refereshed and energized
sun is shining (this helps my mood too)
9am gazpacho for breakfast with half an avocado. also added some flax seeds. it tastes really good. for a minute i wonder if i should do the cleanse for the full week (that is what the book recommends)
10am work on common ground stuff, super productive, run more errands. feeling good.
3pm hit a wall of fatigue and hunger
3.10pm driving home i call maz and ask her one good reason why i shouldn't pick us up a large pizza. she reminds me this is the final day of this madness.
3.30pm come home and eat a huge salad. more almonds. and some steamed edamame. these are not technically on the cleanse but it was either that or start to whimper.
5.23pm write on my blog as a distraction. decide to go for a walk and make the most of the first hints of spring in nashville.

he no longer has a blog...

but since i store things i love here, here is something i love.


I wonder about stars almost constantly. How far they really are from us. Their silence. Their stability. Their modesty- just one twinkle every now and then... and yet, from up close... how loud they could be. How they'd scream and scream. How hot and... the very mouth of fire. And yet, when you take some few steps away from them, from earth, they seem so sad. So lonely. I often wonder how hard it must be for them to stand in their place. To stand still like that. To fight gravity with soo much persistence. What does it take? How many men must be born and turn to sand and be born out of sand and return to it yet again before just one star gives up its pride to hug another? What does it take for two stars to hug?

QMN.

east side story

so my lease runs out at the end of april and marabeth and i have decided to relocate to the east side. whenever we talk about this move we definitely incorporate the dorky 'east side'/'west side' gang hand gestures. of course we have no idea what symbol we are doing, or who we are representing. or fronting. or whatever it is. but we think we are very cool talking about our new 'hood' and you would just cringe. in fact you are probably cringing right now. sorry.

anyway, with both of us working at TPAC it just makes sense to be closer to downtown - currently the commute is about 20 minutes either way. and frankly, i don't like filing up my car with petrol so often and polluting the poor earth so much. there are other bonus points for east nashville. it appears to me that it is more crunchy hipster cool...more like melbourne's smith street with it's health food stores, little coffee shops and boutique restaurants. i like the feel of the neighbourhood. i like the fact that i could have breakfast at marche every morning if i wanted to. it could finally be the cafe i walk into and the barrista knows me. and asks 'the usual?' and it is just like the movies where i have a certain spot by the window i sit and drink my morning latte and ravage my chocolate croissant. or almond croissant since chocolate is still supposedly the enemy.

well tonight i decided to start hunting for some places. it's early to be looking but i just wanted an idea of what was available. unfortunately the people are right. 'the people' are the people that tell me stuff i don't want to hear. the people told marabeth and i that finding a place in east nashville was a rarity. the location has become a hot commodity and so apartments are few and far between.





i searched and found some dismal options. so step two is befriending east nashvillians and working the insider contacts.

while searching i learned a few very important things:

1. 'charming bungalow' often means 'this place is one rotting floorboard away from being condemned but as it is still standing...albeit with a lean to the left...so you should rent it'

2. if the sole picture of the property is a picture of the sink, then the property is probably not that attractive. unless your fears are abated by seeing a sink. i was really baffled by this actually because so many of the listings had pictures of the kitchen sink or bathroom sink. like someone would see that and go 'aha! i must rent this place because it actually has running water! out of a tap! into a sink! wowee. what more does a tenant really need?'

3. if you are trying to market your apartment successfully perhaps do not use a picture that looks like it was taken at the scene of a crime.

4. same thing with sepia toned, out of focus shots. artsy when taken of your loved one. annoying when taken of the place you are trying to sell me on.

5. how about you take the industrial size bottle of carpet cleaner OUT of the frame when you take the shot of the living room?

6. people have scary looking bedrooms. what is with all the velvet drapery? and then the shot of the vast living area with the one sad chair. why leave that chair there? why not take it out?

7. i have also come to the conclusion that wallpaper was never a good idea.

8. and in case you were looking...need a place for you AND your horse?
*

tomorrow is going to be a busy day.

first i'll start the morning off with a yoga class followed by a pilates class. (i'm making up for the fact that this week the most exercise i did was 'exercising' restraint in not flinging my body against the rack of organic chocolate at the health food store.

a hot stone massage which i won because of marabeth's powers of visualisation. (i have to insert this story for jenjackrabbit's reading pleasure - so maz and i went to this health empowerment class with double P's and i was dragging my feet because it was a thursday night and i could think of a hundred better things to do, like sleep or floss my teeth. anyway she used her best plea voice and told me how i'd get a 'glimpse' into her world and that she would even drive and that they had door prizes. so she convinced me and we get there. it was uhm...let's call it 'interesting'. double P's has been watching a few too many infomercials perhaps and was very enthusiastic. if not a little over the top. there was lots of 'turn to your neighbor and high five' them and a few too many outbursts of 'am i right? or am i right?'. and if we failed to respond we'd get prompted to repeat 'Yeah, Pete you are RIGHT!'. he could have been selling the ginsu knife set. it was that awkward in parts. the premise of the class is great. intelligent and holistic. but the delivery. well it needs work. anyway...not the point. at the end of the hour they pulled a name out of the basket. mare leaned over to me and chanted my name three times and tah-dah the universe obliged. i won the door prize - a half hour hot stone massage. marabeth's mouth dropped open in surprise and she was instantly swept with all-consuming door prize envy. she basically faceplanted the cliche of 'careful what you wish for'. it was priceless and tragic.

back to my saturday. next i am going to watch a basketball game at vanderbilt.

fido's for supper/coffee with friends followed by 'the bell and the butterfly' at the belcourt.

at some point i'm also going to bundle up. sit in the tree house and journal. read. reflect.

hope you have a wonderful weekend. oh and if you find us place in east nashville in your spare time i'd really appreciate it.

*

brunch at marche.

in east nashville i almost feel like i'm back in melbourne.
and in other news, i'm a big fan of sepia tones.

hatch show print

if you come visit me in nashville i will take you here and you will love it as much as i do.

new life sunday.

hello somewhat neglected blog. hello space in my life to wake up whenever my body decides it wants to. no jarring alarm required. hello luxury of sitting still and quietly on a sunday morning. making a breakfast of organic 8 grain hot cereal to start my day.

it's not that i haven't loved and enjoyed the frenzy that has been my life since the begining of this new year but i am ready to get my life back in order. to have some semblance routine. to sleep at decent hours and not wake up with my jaws clenched together.

the next few weeks i'm gifting to myself. i'm going to be somewhat selfish i guess when it comes to being accessible to others. but i know that my friends understand why my phone may be turned off, why a call isn't returned promptly and why on a sunday i may not get out of my pajamas because i just want to create art or read or write or think without the pressure of having to see someone, or be somewhere or doing something.

i'm excited to have some breathing room. and as i write this it is all very familiar because i've written it before. it seems to be a theme with me: constant movement and momentum and then a crashing and recentering. i guess i need to find a consistent middle ground. or not. perhaps it's okay to just go with the ebb and flow and not fight it either way.

list of things i want to say to the inanimate objects in my world

1. dear bright grass green hoodie from h&m, i adore you. you are never put away for long because you are indispensible. when i am wearing you i feel safer somehow. and definitely closer to spring and sunshine and lying on grassy hills staring up at clouds moving across blue skies.

2. trusty mac ibook, i know you are now practically 'retro' at four years old...and i'm sorry i keep eyeing up the pretty mac air. we both know that eventually i'll have to upgrade to a fierce mac powerbook but this past year you have really been a life saver. silent, dependable and practical you are an essential part of my day.

3. fan in my bathroom, please don't take it personally...it's not just you - i don't like the sound of any fans. and if it makes you feel better i don't like overhead fluorescent lighting either. that is why i neither turn you or the light on when i shower in the morning. all that unnecessary noise just grates on my nerves. i know you perform an important function and in summer months i would succumb to your annoying sound because i didn't want to invite mould to come in, take a seat and completely take over the bathroom. but now, in these winter months, i refuse and we are doing fine without you.

4. ipod ear buds that came with my ipod, i need you to provide more bass. now two sets i have purchased have 'broken' and there is a minor (yet majorly annoying) buzzing sound when the volume is up too high. i'm sure i could go and get other earphones with the capacity for more bass but i wanted to stick with the theme.

5. grey zip up hoodie with silver detailing from french connection, WHERE did you go? you were my favorite and for the last six months you have disappeared. i have searched everywhere to no avail. did someone borrow you? did i leave you in london? are you mixed up in m2's clothes? it is such a mystery to me. and i'm trying to be detached - afterall you are just an item of clothing but the problem is i really liked you. it was one of those love at first sight things. i couldn't not have you - even though you were ridiculously overpriced. i wore you practically every other day in melbourne. and now i miss you. come back please.

6. fridge magnets, i've never been a big fan of you and it is probably just a phase (because i'm generally anti clutter) but this year i've developed quite a collection of you. i love the square inspirational quote magnets from wholefoods that prop up polaroids of dear friends, a shot of me at 3 years old cutting into my birthday cake and another of me looking out of a cafe window in perth. both pictures show me smiling and happy. a reminder that joy is always a decision. there is a new zealand magnet that makes me smile and together these all collaborate to give our kitchen a point of interest. a collage of things and people important to me.

7. speaking of new zealand, yesterday i received a beautiful mirror in the shape of new zealand COMPLETE with stewart island!) it is so very cool. i am completely smitten by it. as i opened the gift i nearly cried and it's not hard to understand why when you read an extract from the note that accompanied it - 'hopefully you'll look at this and have good memories, and see the New Zealand in you staring back at you, you're always close to home and those who love you'. *sigh*. exhibit seven hundred and eighty six that i have the most amazing friends in the world.

8. j.a.henkles knife set, i didn't grow up in a household that had a fancy wood block knife set. the khozouei's knives didn't really function, let alone match. they were for the most part dull and difficult. being introduced to you was a little life changing and my care for you is testament to this. i don't put you in the dishwasher because i want to keep you sharp for as long as possible. when certain posessions were halved and removed you were allowed to stay with me because even F could see the attachment that had formed. two or three of you will always be on the countertop waiting to be handwashed because i use you daily. i have never tried sharpening you, even though you came with a tool that i could use to do that. but i'm not going to mess with that. the best reason is that as marabeth has experienced i'm not the most careful with knives and sharp objects, so the chances are i'd lose a digit. and having a nub is no fun.

9. lip glosses, this is an open letter to you all. i keep purchasing you in all your different varieties and now i feel like i might have more lipgloss than one pair of lips could ever need in a lifetime. you are in my car, pockets of my jackets, and all over my room. some tinted, mostly plain. i think i need to stop but then i see you and now you come in pretty decorative tins or have brands like 'kiss my lips' and flavors like 'mandarin chai'. how can i resist?

10. bright electric blue wallet made of eel skin, you have been a trusty companion. i purchased you in melbourne - decided to not be sensible and buy you in black and i'm so glad i didn't. you are soft to touch and i think you are getting better with age. you have some water stains from the time i didn't shield you from the rain but i still think you are beautiful. you are my favorite color. the color of the mediterranean in my head. the color that complements bright orange.

11. pink polaroid cool cam, you rock. i've had so much fun with you lately and i am so glad you entered my world in all your cool cam glory. i love that it is always a surprise with you. i can't just hit delete and try again. but somehow every photograph you take is perfect. i wish your film was less expensive and i wish that you were more convenient to carry around. but you will be a life long friend and always treasured.

12. funky white teapot, for a person who is as tea-loving as i am it is odd that i waited all this time to buy the perfect teapot. but perhaps it was because i felt like teapots were only necessary when you needed to serve many when in fact they are perfectly useful for just one. your handle is a work of art, you have clean lines and a beautiful shape. i place tea leaves inside - mixing and experimenting and that way i don't have to worry about a teabag messing up my tea drinking experience - having to monitor it and watch that the paper end doesn't fall into my cup. i hate when that happens.

13. harmonica in the key of G, okay i know that i had great hopes for the two of us. i was very excited when i first purchased you. but you ended up being a lot harder to play than i anticipated. i can make noise. that's not the problem. it just doesn't sound like the blues or jazz or anything remotely related (read: cool). the sounds that come out are more akin to irish jig music. think riverdance. yeah...not exactly what i was going for. so you sit in my drawer and i still believe one day i'll take lessons and be a blues harp savant...but not today.

*

lovely ladan.

ladan came to visit me last week. her first time in the states and she ventured to nashville. brave girl. i LOVED having her here...it was surreal to be sitting in a cafe with her as it felt like i was back in melbourne. we don't skip a beat. after a year of meagre communication we just picked up where we left off. the week overflowed with fun, mutual understanding and honesty with a dash of mechanical bull riding. i miss her already.

random finds of the day

so clever and crafty

in other news, zebras are cool:
love this

and hoodies are essential

and finally i present you with spoony goodness

still so young to have travelled so far. old enough to know who you are. (crowded house distant sun)

i'm sitting at my table. i love this table. it is made with bamboo and dark wood. it seats four comfortably but could happily have eight squished around it, elbows rubbing together, sharing in love, laughter, a nice meal. i'd like to do that just once before i leave this apartment. have a dinner party. maybe 'fancy dress and funnel cakes' will be the theme.

*
david gray 'shine' filling the air.
it is a beautiful song.
it might be one of the songs that goes on my 2008 soundtrack.

once f made us two compilation cd's. they were titled 'soundtrack for the interstates'. he created the covers using ticket stubs and photographs and bits and pieces from our roadtrip together across country. i knew the entire order of the songs on these cds. there wasn't a song i'd skip. it reminded me of sunshine. steering with knees. feet up on dashboard. breakfasts with entirely too many calories at cracker barrel.

and i wonder, what do you do with these things? the photographs and cards and emails and notes and gifts? the vase you purchased together in new york city. the prayer book inscribed with both names. the tangible reminders of something that no longer exists.

i've thought through the options. i'm thinking it all might be gathered in a box. to be buried. that might be the gentlest, kindest resolution.

*

marabeth just made us her speciality drink. it's endearingly called 'nut nog' and it is heavenly. it is comfort and contentment in liquid form.

hot steamy almond milk blended with natural peanut butter, agave, cinnamon...mmm

sugar free & chocolate free. and yet perfectly delicious.

*

jen jack rabbit has been by my side since saturday noon. i love the fact that on friday we talked about the possibility of her flying in for the weekend and the next day there she was. twinkling eyes, four inch red heels and all. it's been so great having her here. the three of us spent practically every evening together when we lived in haifa. now, nearly eight years later, the dynamic has not changed at all. complete openess, love and tender care. we are soul sisters. fluid and easy. conversation flows. silences never awkward. actions never premeditated. like the blood in my veins these two women are intrinsically part of me. part of my journey.

*

ladan flies in tomorrow night. i am already looking forward to curling up on the couch and catching up on the twelve months since we saw each other last.

*

you say you're proud of me.
i'm not entirely sure why.
but everytime you say it, i believe you.
thank you for your words.
my heart felt better afterwards.

*

i have decided that it is okay to spend money on things i love. like the journal i purchased over the weekend. it was perhaps overpriced but had a soft suede green cover with silver embossing. it is so beautiful that the words i will fill it with do not do justice to it's exterior but that's okay. when i look at it i see beauty. i want to fill my life with more beauty. it is coming. candles were a brilliant start. more to follow.

*

i would like a book to get lost in. or a recommendation of a book i can get lost in.
a good story.
please submit ideas :)

*

tonight jen drew a bird. the operative word being 'drew'. she never claimed to be an artist. and let's face it, birds are not easy to draw on the best of days. but anyway her efforts in rendering a bird caused me to laugh so much that my stomach hurt and tears spilled down my face. this weekend also had me lying on the floor of a dressing room in a fancy botique trying to do up a pair of jeans that were definitely a size (or three) smaller than what i needed. i looked up into the faces of my two friends laughing with me and i didn't want to be anywhere else, doing anything else.

moral of the story - laughter is good. need more of it in my day.

crocs are not my friend

list o'irks.

• Tea bags bursting open when I pour the hot water in resulting in tea-leafy-tea.
• Folding up all laundry to find that one mateless sock. I know this must be the most generic pet peeve but it happens to me all the time. WHERE does the other one go?
• The phrase ‘pet peeve’. It’s just sounds awful to me.
• For that matter I’m not a big fan of socks either.
• Making a spelling mistake on a birthday/greeting card and having to figure out whether it will look worse to cross it out or cover it up with white out (“twink” – oh New Zealand lingo how I miss thee).
• Ordering an extra hot latte and it arriving lukewarm.
• Lukewarm food. I want it scalding hot.
• Burning the roof of my mouth because of the aforementioned need to eat only scalding hot food and beverages.
• Voice messages where the message is just “hi. it’s me. call me back”. If you called me your number will show up on my phone and so I will call back. If you leave me a voice mail with that redundant message I might procrastinate on the call back because of my intolerance for such messages.
• Chocolate cake in the staff room the day I decide that finally today is the day I’m cutting out sugar
• Missing the mail man and getting one of those notes that you have a parcel but you have to pick it up during some designated hour at a post office that you didn’t even know existed. It’s heartbreaking to me.
• Leaving water running full force while you brush your teeth. I can’t handle the waste.
• The fact that ‘I before E except after C’ has exceptions. I always get this wrong.
• When my seatbelt has a mind of its own and doesn’t move with me and so strangles me as I turn to look at the 'blind spot'
• Blind Spots. who needs 'em?

at 1.26 a.m. I'm grateful for:

1. my MRI results coming back normal. no tumor in my brain. let's celebrate.
2. all the friends that called/sent me texts to make sure i was okay. i am sorry to have worried you. thank you for thinking of me and for being so wonderful.
3. hot water bottles. so comforting. i hate cold feet in bed. when we were little we were obviously raised by parents too frugal to purchase multiple hot water bottles so my mum actually made us hot water bottles using 2 litre coke bottles, filling them with hot water (that would sometimes melt the plastic) and then wrapping them in old woolen blankets or socks. they served a purpose i guess but in the morning they would be cold hard bottles of water at our feet.
4. the 'safety glasses man' icon on skype. and the person who always uses it when we chat.
5. hot water with lemon and honey
6. agave. (honey reminded me that agave is my new favorite sugar substitute).
7. h20. in general. in all forms. ocean. water i drink every day. rain. especially rain storms. clouds. waterfalls.
8. mac products (not the make up line - though that is pretty cool too). have you seen the new 'mac air'. swoon. i want one.
9. my mixed tape maker mm. so much good music has entered my world in the last two months.
10. road trips. these are essential.
11. american idol auditions. okay i know, i know...this is like the lowest common denominator form of tv. and this coming from a girl who heckles people that watch 'lost' or 'heroes'...i have to admit i have a weakness for the auditions...no matter how contrived.
12. air travel. which will bring me my friend ladan in a handful of days. i have to figure out what we will do for her week in nashville. so far my plans consist of finding a place where we can go mechanical bull riding. yikes.
13. brunch. it's just such a great meal. not breakfast. not lunch. leisurely and delicious. brunch at marche is top of the list. they make their french toast with croissants! how can you go wrong with that?
14. fruit. which reminds me, did you know you can get freeze dried mango? mm sent me some and i'm swiftly becoming obsessed with astronaut food.
16. fessenjoon in a jar that i found at the persian food store.
17. orchids
18. prayer
19. hot air balloons. i really want to go on a hot air balloon ride this year.
20. second chances
21. memories
22. getting to live and work with one of my best friends
23. my new zealand citizenship
24. music and the people that create it.
25. being adopted by other people's parents since mine are too far away.
26. most of all, at 1.26 a.m. i am grateful for the abundance of hope and happiness i feel right at this moment.

pieces of today

today i had my first (and let's hope only) MRI. it was not a good experience. i am not claustrophic. or at least i wasn't before i had the MRI, but perhaps now i am a little. i had to stay very still. i tried to block out the loud noises and the cold steel. i don't understand why the process involves the soundtrack to 'construction work on a busy street' but that is how it sounded. a cacaphony of clanging and jarring drill sounds. i closed my eyes and tried not to focus on the fact that i needed to sneeze. you can't 'out think' a sneeze i guess. so i did sneeze and in doing so slammed my forehead against the cage that surrounded my head. unpleasant.

*

today i did not know who to write as my 'emergency contact'. that moment was probably the one of the most lonely moments i've ever felt.

*

today i read your short story and it made my heart heavy because i received a glimpse of what you are feeling. the weight of it all. the chance for error. the desire to do this right. the hoping and praying that it will all be resolved. that hearts can be mended and hurt healed. i thought it was a beautiful piece of writing. thank you for sharing it with me.

*

today i decided not to eat any more sugar.

tonight i shared a slice of triple berry almond crust cheesecake. it was delicious.

so much for that decision.

*

today she asked me if australia has beaches.

i tried not to be annoyed by the question.

but i was.

*

today i realized how much i miss healthy touch.
the spa treatments that mm organized for me were exactly what i needed.
i felt loved and incredibly grateful.
it was the perfect gift.
thank you.

*

today i was deeply touched that you asked me to call you next week to let you know the results.
i would happily adopt your family as my own.

*

today i saw your bright blue eyes and was reminded of how much fun we have together. and how easily we make sense to each other.

*

one-week-ago i was here.

prague. possibly one of the most beautiful cities i have ever explored. it was like stepping inside one of those old hardcover children's story books that are beautifully illustrated, full of detail and color and gold leaf highlights, and then walking through its pages. the buildings were elaborate, the streets lined with trees and cobblestones. castle in the distance. we kept spinning around wondering if it was real or some fantastical stage set that if you peered behind you would see was held up by scaffolding.

corner table.

to this day we could both order for each other. that is habit i suppose. you look up for a minute and i tell the waitress what you want as the words escape you momentarily. and there is symmetry and beauty in that single act. and as i order hot water in a mug. miming the word 'mug' you repeat it. and it's like we didn't miss a beat. another restaurant. another meal shared. it could be any night in seven years.

we talk without pause. always a very even exchange. both interested in what the other has to say.
it's always been this way. your eyes cast different light however. something has been released. some fire or fury.
the genuine care we have for each other is palapable and makes this. even. harder.

we both have hope. and we talk of futures and the day it will all be official and whether it will feel any different to the day before.
"i didn't want it to turn out this way"
i can only mouth "i know" and look away.

confusion over how it came to be like this. and you wish clarity for me and i truly wish it for myself too.