green. grass.

i've been thinking about the whole concept of the 'grass is greener elsewhere' a lot recently.
always chasing dreams.
wanting something that i don't have.
wishing i was somewhere else.
thinking that if i was there.
doing a, b, or c.
or with x, y, z.
it would all be different.
it would be perfect.
right?

but in my zig zagging across this globe
through too many moves
too many boxes packed and shipped
numerous goodbye parties
and tearful hugs goodbye
and suitcases
and airports
way too many airports
i've learned the hard way that the grass is never really greener.
it's usually just different.
in good ways and bad ways.
but in my experience it all evens out.

and i end up back where i started
wondering if that other place
or some new place would be better.

and so the cycle continues.

when i moved to the states this time around i really made sure that i had every intention of being here long term. i cast out the idea of living anywhere but the united states of america. i wanted to wholeheartedly throw myself into my new 'home' and make the very best of it. at the time the plan was boston or nyc. or perhaps somewhere out west. nashville, tennessee wasn't even on the radar. and yet, here is where i ended up.

and i'm trying. really hard to not constantly want to be someplace else. to make the most of it. right now. because the truth is i could be anywhere i wanted to be. i have nothing holding me to any plot of land on this planet. i could pack a bag and drive. to mexico. or up to canada. i could fly back to australia and live in the desert. probably not very contendedly. but if i wanted to, i could. i could go out to san diego. or belize. or stewart island off the coast of new zealand. and knowing that i could be anywhere makes being in one place that much harder but it also makes me realize that the choice is mine. it always has been and once you make the decision to be somewhere (the same goes for being with someone) you can make it work for you. or fight it every step of the way.

i don't have the energy to be discontent these days. it is much easier to walk across that bridge to work every day, feel the sun beating down, and smile at strangers that pass me by. today i was taken out to lunch to another great restaurant that is off the beaten track and very much my style and as i learn more about this city i grow to like being here more and get over all my preconceived notions of how it would be to live here.

i remember once telling a close friend that i would never live in the south. i said it with such vehemence that anyone within earshot would have been convinced that golriz in the southern states was a total no-go. but here i am. and finally i'm realizing when you sit still for a minute and appreciate what you have, the grass is actually green enough.

x