in lieu of letters.

for A.
i know people who are waiting for answers.
for that one call.
the delivery of a promise.
actions to follow the oh so many words.
for a fragment of hope.
for some mention of their name. (did you know that supposedly the sound of your name is the sweetest sound to your own ears?)
and they wait.
hoping.
because of an unspoken promise that they make.
to themselves and eachother.
and i too might be one of them.
and that place -inbetween knowing and not knowing- is the most unfriendly place. this i do know.
an illfitting stiff shirt. like the ones i refuse to buy.
and unable to breathe fully, i gasp in air when i remember to.
and i tell you to be strong
that you deserve better
to be thankful you didn't fall deeper.
but what do i know?

for 2.33pm.
without fail i receive your daily reminder.
the only point of contact
i'm sure it's a template by now
and a simple click of perhaps three buttons
from your world into mine
true, it was our decision
and the right one - i know.
and though i challenge it all too often
finding ways to edge around it
you remain consistent.
on thurdsay i stood outside
i thought of how you told me once that you want to chase your children around that backyard
and then curl up in blankets on the roof and gaze at the stars
lucky children i said
and meant it.

for J.
i'm anxious for you to arrive
at the begining that may finally be the ending you need
and i know that you want to just
sit
and exist in the same place
and look into eyes
that once you turned away from
and search for answers
and release
for forgiveness and permission to move on.
and i hope you receive it
all that you need
i find it more than coincidence that our lives hinge on the same numbered days
and i wonder where we'll be
which beach we will sit on
watching the surf
closing one door
and perhaps opening another.


for F.
i remember the moment i realized that the intials of our names were beside each other in the alphabet
and i smiled as i thought to myself
- another sign, surely.
and when i made up words
as i often do
you would call me on it each time
and you still do
and though i'm sure that this could have, and would have, become annoying
it was always endearing to watch you
unable to let it go by unnoticed
always too hot
and i a passionate enemy of ac
did we ever find a temperate middle ground?
from shoes, socks and upwards you would process what you needed to pack
and i knew we were prepared for anything
afterall you were an eagle scout
and these are the disjointed thoughts i have
on a saturday in the middle of november
sitting on a chair
the same one i was sitting in
when you stood
kissed my forehead
and walked away.

for M.
at 2am you tell me stories that fill the chasm
the one i keep building bridges over
only to find them torn down
by a photograph i had forgotten we had taken
or the end of a james taylor song playing on the radio
and so we speak of polaroids and spain
and when you say 'i know you know'
i know that you do
and, i too, wonder if you are a filler
a random passerby who happened to get lost and stop at the same fork in the road
and perhaps just like the quote that i overuse
this friendship will just be for a season
or a reason
because today, i have difficulty believing anything lasts a lifetime.

for B.
i still recall the fight
standing near the elevators of my apartment
mirrors on every wall
showing all angles of the tears streaking my face
feeling pressured and broken
i believed i would have to let everything else fall
in order to pick up the load you wanted me to help you carry
and i had given it thought, and decided to cut my connection
to your plan and release myself of the responsibilities of my role
but you defied me
refusing to let me walk away
demanding that i follow through
a gift
though i would only realize that upon return

for G.
this day too will draw to a close
night will fall
and before long this will be a day you vaguely recall
and i know you are thankful for it all
a world saturated with color
you sing on the top of your lungs to familiar songs
and constantly praise the trees that surround you
but on the occasions that you feel the grey of a cement sky
it is okay to let go and dismantle the smile for a moment
realizing you cannot be everything and everywhere
and that certain holes may never be filled in a timely fashion
and hurt healed with the expediency you crave
and so, commiting to something bigger than you,
you trust.