non-carbonated

i walked in the rain for an hour today. suede boots got wet since nashville streets create massive puddles. i was indifferent. i sat in a quiet cafe's window booth and stared out at the people walking by. people peered in at me nursing my latte behind the pane of rain streaked glass and i wondered if i looked 'alone' to them. because that's exactlly how i felt. very much alone. and i'm slowly working at becoming okay with that. with not having distractions at every juncture. or filling my life up with noise. and movement. and the next thing.

last weekend i went to the movies by myself. for the first time in my life. it was not entirely pleasant but it was liberating. i watched 'dan in real life' which was endearing and 'american gangster' which was slow in parts, but interesting nonetheless.

i love the movies. i even love the previews. i love the moment when the curtains draw back a few more inches like it really makes that much of a difference and the lights dim. i love the credits. noticing what font was used, how the music weaves in...the scenes carefully chosen to set the stage. one of my favorite opening and closing credits is in the movie 'closer'.

it's still raining. falling asleep to the sound of rain is universally adored right? i was going to write that it is one of the things that i love. but i realized, i don't know anyone who would disagree.

**
numbers:

4.5 - sleeps till prague.
8 - years old when we moved from bangor, wales to timaru, new zealand.
24 - mountain view road. the first home i really remember clearly.
3 - dollars. what i was paid per hour for my first babysitting job.
12 - months since i was in maine buying henry a jacket so he could play in the snow without shivering.
29 - the estimated number of times i've watched 'the sound of music'
5 - m2's favorite number.
4 - yoga classes a week in melbourne
197,000 - dollars needed to sell in tickets to dirty rotten scoundrels in order to make budgeted goal
2 - siblings who i adore and miss
17 - days worth of music on my ipod. still uploading. and sorting.
1 - day needed to devote entirely to organizing my ipod.
100 - number of vacation days i would have in an ideal world
15 - number of vactaion days i have a year
7 - hours of sleep is now usual
4 - hours of sleep was usual in may/june/july

**

a friend of mine once told me that she was sick of seeing her friends 'put their lives on credit card'. she wasn't being literal - as in charging up credit...she was talking about the idea of putting happiness on hold. that notion of right now things are hard, but one day things will be great...so suck it up, stick it out. she decided to claim 'great' for right now. to take hold of her present and live it with as much joy and happiness as she could muster. and she did. it caused a lot of consternation and worry. those around her feared she had abandoned ship and was just acting selfishly. and perhaps to some degree she was. but it was because she could no longer settle for mediocre. for bland. for a life where she spent everyday hoping that one day it would all be better. she wanted better now. i remember being one of those 'concerned friends'. i recall talking to her on the phone - her in the states, me in melbourne, and feeling like she was rashly making choices that she would one day regret. but the truth is, she acted with authenticity and courage. and now she truly is stronger, happier and healthier. life isn't perfect of course but i think she faces it with more honesty. with the knowledge that there is no excuse for not living it well.

i'm not promoting giving up when life ambushes you a test. i'm all for facing those difficult times/situations/people head on because i know they are portals for growth. i definitely believe that. but i do think there is something to be said for acknowledging the need for change. and the fact that sometimes walking away really is the best option when all other options have been exhausted. i was raised with the notion that there is no room for quitting. and although i believe in giving every pursuit your absolute all, i think it is important to also recognize when to draw the line. when to create boundaries or to make different choices.

easier said than done, for it takes a whole lot of detachment and trust.

christmas in prague and other fairytales

on monday i fly to the czech republic. i'm excited. it's going to be freezing. but my three years of enduring maine winters have prepared me for the worst. well not really, considering the ENTIRE time i lived in maine i refused to acknowledge the frigid climes and therefore was never dressed appropriately. i had one measly excuse for a jacket and NO thermal anythings. so basically i'm screwed.
oh well.

so...i've been neglecting my blog lately. not because i don't have anything to write. problem is, i have too much to write and to release into some vortex and be done with. and i don't know where to start. the past month has been one of the hardest this year actually. coming to terms with the reality and the finality of situations. 2007 will be a year that is tattooed on my heart. it provided me the biggest tests but also the most amazing portals for growth. i don't know that i've done everything 'right' but i do know that i walked through every door that opened for me and peered out of many windows and took leaps of faith that necessitated being brave, being hopeful. there is something brave about being hopeful.

i'm really in awe of the friends that have rallied around me this year. each and every one of them has secured a place in my heart and i will always be grateful to them.

you know what else i'm grateful for?

the white lights that come out at christmas time
extra hot hazlenut steamers
care packages full of little luxuries
yoga (downward facing dog - that's for you MM)
pineapple. mango. persimmon. tropical fruit in general. actually, FRUIT in general.
my senses
music
cd compilations where there is not one track i feel the need to skip over
a room mate that makes me laugh constantly but also knows exactly how to cope with my tears
sweater dresses
lincoln park after dark opi nail polish
mugs
bowls
prayer
jen jack rabbit always
old movie theaters
wide open fields
trees in every season
sand box friendships that stick

*

things you may not know about me (and once you know will not affect your life in any significant way whatsoever):

i like whittling wood. i used to have a whole set of tools to carve wood with. i don't know what happened to the set. but i want another one. i don't know what i'd carve. maybe spoons. i could then send each person in my life a spoon. to eat their oatmeal with. mmm. oatmeal. with raspberries and bananas and honey. can you tell i'm hungry?

i am a speed packer. i can pack a suitcase in about 10 mintues. and it will be neat and orderly. it's a skill i have.

i look kinda sketchy in my passport picture because i wasn't allowed to smile. non-smiling me looks kind of angry and intense. this doesn't help me at security checkpoints when i already have the odds stacked against me for the visa from pakistan, israel and the fact that i use a nz passport which is supposedly the most forged passport in the world.

there is a message on my voice mail that i've saved since july. i am not ready to delete it.

i love polaroid pictures for their immediacy and imperfections.

i re-use plastic containers just like my mum. something that i vowed i would never do.

my feet are most often cold. i will not tolerate socks in bed.

recipe for the care package of all time

Ingredients:

Three brilliant mix tapes (okay cd’s. whatever…’mix cd’ doesn’t have the same ring to it)
Pair of soft and cosy mittens from one of my favorite stores in the world. Perfect for my upcoming adventures to the land of minus 20.
Tom’s of Maine natural antiplaque whitening gel toothpaste (there is no going back to Colgate once you’ve tried Tom’s)
FREEZEdried pineapple. Who knew?
Dried strips of mango deliciousness.
Perfect handful portions of mixed nuts and berries. (please apologise to your mum that I ate all of her stocks of these!)
‘Don’t look at me, I’m too cool for you’ sunglasses that I’m refusing to take off inside.
Soap that smells so good I want to eat it.
Candles which I can FINALLY enjoy now that I don’t live with a human smoke detector
Airborne to stave off the cold that I’m always on the verge of.
A cashmere scarf. I finally get why cashmere is such a big deal.

And a letter written on superhero stationary that made tears come to my eyes.

You are the best.

Seriously.

etsy find of the day

as you know i'm already delighted by decals...after purchasing my 'flying bird' series it was really hard for me not to plaster every wall with decals of some sort. but then it would have looked like a 12 year olds sticker album threw up all over my apartment so i resisted.

i may not be able to resist these.


you can buy your own right here

one of the saddest things anyone has ever said to me

'he saves up all of his vacation and personal days for funerals'

patches.

i've always loved the smell of philosophy's 'soap and water' perfume. so i ordered some. and it arrived. and i'm OH so allergic to it. it makes me sneeze and makes my eyes water. devastation stations.

*
the other day we had a glitch in our email list serv and about ten thousand people received a survey request for a show they did not attend. the email basically said 'thanks for coming to the show - please fill out this short survey'. so, naturally in this age of stolen identities and credit card fraud we received many anxious calls with people being concerned about why they received this email since they had not in fact, purchased tickets to the show.

we had to keep reassuring them that no, your credit card has not been charged. no, we did not sell their email address. no, your identity has not been stolen. etc. you can just imagine what a fun morning it was in my office that day.

anyway, one of the calls that i will never forget was a woman who called FURIOUS about receiving this email. she said that it confirmed her fears that her husband was cheating on her! she assumed that as the email said 'thanks for purchasing tickets to White Christmas' that he (husband) had bought tickets using their credit card and taken ANOTHER woman to the show. she was livid and i couldn't get a word in to even calm her down. finally, she took a breath and I explained the issue. and that's when she told me in a very matter-of-fact voice 'well i just want you to know that this little email nearly resulted in a divorce'.

woah. well let me just add that little accomplishment to my resume.

i did feel really bad for her though. i mean, things must already be pretty shaky if an email like this is the final straw.

**

i know you want an update on la. but i'm not going to talk about it much here except to say that it was a necessary part of this year of mine. in terms of the city itself, i loved the mountains, the ocean, the fact that 'agave' (cactus nectar) is just as available for your tea as sugar/honey/splenda. i love the farmer's market in the grove and the rose bowl swap meet with all its vintage treasures. i enjoyed the best latte i've had in america at cafe primo. in terms of the real reason i was there... i loved how effortlessly i made sense to you. laughter. tea. dissecting 'closer'. same room texting with j rolling his eyes at us. laying on the couch and having you rub my back. taking me to my pacific ocean. i had missed it so much.

***

tonight marabeth and i were driving to our work holiday party and suddenly it was like she drove into the "eighties" because out of nowhere we got all this cassette tape wrapped around the car...i don't know where it came from, or how it tangled itself around the car but out of every window you could see brown tape streaming down the side of the car. a web of the stuff surrounded us. we wound down the windows and pulled at it, and it just kept unravelling. hysterical laughter ensued. laughter that hurt my core - more than the pilates "hundreds". i laugh a lot. but no one, makes me laugh as much as marabeth does. she constantly opens my eyes to the lighter side of life and i love her for it.

****
list of foods i'd be content with if stranded on an island

mango
fresh pineapple
havarti cheese
yogurt
oatmeal
peanut butter (crunchy)
almond butter
raspberries
bananas
laughing cow cheese
feta cheese
blueberries
boysenberries
blackberries
almonds
cashews
honey roasted peanuts

so basically, fruit, chees and nuts. i'm a regular squirrel. except for the cheese part i guess.

*****

mm has bought me a PINK polaroid camera. i'm very excited about this. angela is going to teach me how to boil the polariods and transfer them onto watercolor paper. 2008 is about art projects galore. watch out.

******

luca robbani lizarrga (tell me that's not a movie star name if ever there was one) is eight days old today. i saw him last wednesday when i went over for baby time/prayers and project runway. i'll see him again tomorrow. i can't wait. he is the adorableness of his parents combined. and let me tell you, that is a WHOLE lot of adorableness.

*******

mum. i love you.

********

turkey - september 2008. i will finally get to meet my grandmother on my dad's side. it will be amazing for my father. he hasn't seen his mother for thirty years. i can't even comprehend what that must be like. it just doesn't make sense.

*********

i've decided that i'm going to be a little bit possessive over the final days of 2007 so i may be unavailable and i hope that it's okay. there are things i need to do and they mainly revolve around me. getting more sleep. going to yoga. and only picking up the phone if it's an emergency. i spend a lot of my time in motion and surrounding myself with others...and although i love the fast paced existence i live, i've realized that i rarely carve time for myself. time to focus inward. time to examine what i'm doing. where i'm going. how i'm feeling. so i'm making an effort to simplify and detox from the distractions. and while i'm at it, from sugar.

in 6 sleeps

some people impulse buy chocolate bars in the supermarket check out line.
it seems that i impulse buy travel. and i'm remarkably okay with that.
thursday night i'm flying to la. let's hope it doesn't swallow me whole.
x