Tuesday, August 05, 2008

one year ago today i...

found this wall and snapped this photograph.

it was during my lunch break. i had left the office and was walking around downtown nashville trying to come to terms with the fact that i actually lived in this odd little 'big city' in the south. it was the height of summer then, as it is today. a warm breeze bustled around me as i explored and spied things i found picture worthy. i had only just had a handful of days in my new position and i was nervous, overwhelmed and stressed.

during my interview a week before, i had looked at my future co-workers in the eye and steadily responded to their line of intent questioning. when asked if i believed i could singlehandedly and successfully market a broadway show i ignored the feeling of my stomach folding into an origami crane. i had never marketed anything, let alone theater, in my life and didn't have any real idea of what it would entail. but i fiercely wanted this position. so i nodded, and smiled, and said 'absolutely' with all the certainty i could muster.

walking during those lunch breaks helped clear my head. got me out of the so-cold-my-teeth-chattered-overly-airconditioned office and broke up my day into manageable chunks.

there were so many transitions going on in my life during that time which compounded the stress i was already facing due to moving to a new city and starting a new job. i had just returned from a whirlwind trip to london. a trip fueled by possibilities latent behind doors unopened. i was piecing together my life and trying to adjust to the emptiness that comes when a reality that for many years contains a blend of two, suddenly is relegated to a world of one. i distinctly remember standing in the cereal aisle thinking 'i don't even eat this sugary junk and wow, i don't actually have to buy it.' it was strangely liberating and also poignant. all the conditioning of thinking for a 'team' no longer applied. i was on my own and with no one to hold my hand, i desperately needed to find solid ground.

in the 365 days since i took this photograph i feel like i might have experienced a glimpse into every emotion on the spectrum. i felt the deepest sadness, regret, loss and hurt. but in equal measure i also felt a sense of hope, promise, expectancy and happiness that was unparalleled. i was every shade of grey, but also brilliant crimson, 80's fluro green and hot pink.

and today, one year later, i feel content. loved. happy. grateful.

interestingly, in recent months have searched for this wall and cannot find it anywhere. i don't know if it has been painted over, or knocked down, or located in such an obscure location that i just keep missing it. i do know that when it came into my life, this random slab of bricks and mortar, reminded me that no matter how devastating a situation may seem, there is always some small sign of hope, humanity, and beauty to be grateful for.


Juicebox said...

thank you for this post. i can't really express it well now because it's late and i'm tired. but. this post was really appreciated. i can relate to a lot of it... :)

Anusce said...

I love love love the way you write!
It is so inspiration but also very creative. The images that you come up with are unbelievably on point...
you should write a book...a memoir...a celebration of life!

Love you bunches of creative words and lost walls


amy said...

what a honest, truly happy post.

and that's what i would want a painting of my life to be... a brick wall covered in little red hearts.