Monday, March 03, 2008

carousel ride

saw will hoge last night. it was okay...not great. m2 first introduced me to his music last year. she has an uncanny ability to find a song that relates to whatever you might be going through...she'll sing the lyrics and go 'see? it's talking about your life' and whether you like it or not, she's usually right. so his track 'carousel' was definitely on the soundtrack of my life in july 2007.

anyway, i was a bit dissapointed with last nights performance (and not just because he didn't play my favorites), but i felt like he lacked engagement with his audience...it was almost as if he was just going through the motions and not really invested in everyone around him having a good time. or even excited about his music. so he was bored and i was bored.

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today i began packing for the imminent move. i have packed and unpacked more in my life than i feel anyone ever should. with every move i've realized how little i need and want 'stuff'. every year for the past 10 years i've had to sort through the things i've accumulated and ask myself if i really want to carry it with me for the next step of this journey. and it's good to have to make that decision. to leave things behind. to realize once i no longer have them that i don't miss them afterall. it's freeing.

but today was tough. photographs. journals. cards. letters. going through all of that was heavy and not really liberating. i kept taking breaks to sit in the tree house (it was such a beautiful spring day) and try not to think about how divine it would be to drink a cool glass of water (first day of the fast was today). i did little sections at a time. and eventually marked one box with 'deal with later' because that is the only option i could handle.

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it's 11.11pm. remember how we would make a wish when all the numbers on the clock were the same? where did we come up with this rule? i wonder if i will ever be able to see 2.22 or 4.44 or 11.11 and not think about reminding you to make a wish?

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do you ever wonder what shade of blue your blood is?
or am i just a wierdo?

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i miss lots of people all the time. that is one of the downfalls of not sitting still in one place. you make amazing friends, they enter your world, they become 'regulars' and then overnight they are no longer in your sphere of existence. well they are still part of your life...but not in person. and i shouldn't really complain afterall i am lucky enough to be alive in an age of cell phones, air travel and our friend the internet...but still, i miss you. and you. and you.

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over the weekend i participated in my first 'secret santa'. i realized two things: i have little patience for group games and that i really want a wood whittling set. i had one but it was 'stolen' off me. the whole 'you can steal someone else's gift' rule is lame if you ask me. and i know it teaches you 'detachment' but to that i say: detachment shmetachment.

if i had a wood whittling set i'd whittle a plethora of spoons and maybe even a little bowl if i decided to be really ambitious. i'd hopefully not lose any fingers in the process. but as marabeth has to remind me constantly not to hold fruit in my palm as i cut into it - i might have to come to terms with losing a digit or two.

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2 comments:

leila said...

i love love love your "lists". it's funny how frequently and vehemently i relate to so much of them. in this one it was especially the "moving" one and the ... um ... look all i can remember is that you wrote "drinking a glass of cold water" and now my brain is stuck.

WANT.

oh, i can see the whole post again.

also, the repetition of numbers in time one---i do that. not a wish, but exalt that it says ONE ONE ONE ONE.

and then the missing people and the stealing santa bits.

yeah. i geddit.

love you,
leila

amy said...

packing sucks. seriously.
but think about your pretty house... ok? just focus on that!