m2 + jc = the best

it's official.

two of my favorites are getting married. yep. m2 and jc are engaged. and this makes me so happy.
it's amazing to think that a year ago i didn't know they even existed. and now i love them like they are family. what? how did that happen?
i'll tell you how:

telling m2 to get out of bed so we can get to work only 45 minutes late.
hating our lives doing ticket counts.
numerous table times accompanied with havarti cheese.
taco bell drive throughs at midnight.
jc in basketball shorts and dress socks telling stories while m2 and i ignored him (her on perez, me planning escapades to london and the likes)
impromptu hair cuts and hillmeade hilairity.

over the span of six months i have been a part of their world and seeing their love, which is real and beautiful even in its moments of dysfunction and then so incredibly amazing in its strength and commitment, has been healing to my soul. it is a true reminder of how two people who truly adore each other can make this world a more brilliant place just by lifting each other up, holding the other to higher standards and having so much fun along the way.

m2's glow on wednesday was ridiculous. she is already beautiful, but seeing the light in her eyes and the smile she cannot wipe off her face is the essence of adorable. jc is the luckiest and he knows this.

i adore them both and will be there with a heart full of love on their happy day.

x

in lieu of letters.

for A.
i know people who are waiting for answers.
for that one call.
the delivery of a promise.
actions to follow the oh so many words.
for a fragment of hope.
for some mention of their name. (did you know that supposedly the sound of your name is the sweetest sound to your own ears?)
and they wait.
hoping.
because of an unspoken promise that they make.
to themselves and eachother.
and i too might be one of them.
and that place -inbetween knowing and not knowing- is the most unfriendly place. this i do know.
an illfitting stiff shirt. like the ones i refuse to buy.
and unable to breathe fully, i gasp in air when i remember to.
and i tell you to be strong
that you deserve better
to be thankful you didn't fall deeper.
but what do i know?

for 2.33pm.
without fail i receive your daily reminder.
the only point of contact
i'm sure it's a template by now
and a simple click of perhaps three buttons
from your world into mine
true, it was our decision
and the right one - i know.
and though i challenge it all too often
finding ways to edge around it
you remain consistent.
on thurdsay i stood outside
i thought of how you told me once that you want to chase your children around that backyard
and then curl up in blankets on the roof and gaze at the stars
lucky children i said
and meant it.

for J.
i'm anxious for you to arrive
at the begining that may finally be the ending you need
and i know that you want to just
sit
and exist in the same place
and look into eyes
that once you turned away from
and search for answers
and release
for forgiveness and permission to move on.
and i hope you receive it
all that you need
i find it more than coincidence that our lives hinge on the same numbered days
and i wonder where we'll be
which beach we will sit on
watching the surf
closing one door
and perhaps opening another.


for F.
i remember the moment i realized that the intials of our names were beside each other in the alphabet
and i smiled as i thought to myself
- another sign, surely.
and when i made up words
as i often do
you would call me on it each time
and you still do
and though i'm sure that this could have, and would have, become annoying
it was always endearing to watch you
unable to let it go by unnoticed
always too hot
and i a passionate enemy of ac
did we ever find a temperate middle ground?
from shoes, socks and upwards you would process what you needed to pack
and i knew we were prepared for anything
afterall you were an eagle scout
and these are the disjointed thoughts i have
on a saturday in the middle of november
sitting on a chair
the same one i was sitting in
when you stood
kissed my forehead
and walked away.

for M.
at 2am you tell me stories that fill the chasm
the one i keep building bridges over
only to find them torn down
by a photograph i had forgotten we had taken
or the end of a james taylor song playing on the radio
and so we speak of polaroids and spain
and when you say 'i know you know'
i know that you do
and, i too, wonder if you are a filler
a random passerby who happened to get lost and stop at the same fork in the road
and perhaps just like the quote that i overuse
this friendship will just be for a season
or a reason
because today, i have difficulty believing anything lasts a lifetime.

for B.
i still recall the fight
standing near the elevators of my apartment
mirrors on every wall
showing all angles of the tears streaking my face
feeling pressured and broken
i believed i would have to let everything else fall
in order to pick up the load you wanted me to help you carry
and i had given it thought, and decided to cut my connection
to your plan and release myself of the responsibilities of my role
but you defied me
refusing to let me walk away
demanding that i follow through
a gift
though i would only realize that upon return

for G.
this day too will draw to a close
night will fall
and before long this will be a day you vaguely recall
and i know you are thankful for it all
a world saturated with color
you sing on the top of your lungs to familiar songs
and constantly praise the trees that surround you
but on the occasions that you feel the grey of a cement sky
it is okay to let go and dismantle the smile for a moment
realizing you cannot be everything and everywhere
and that certain holes may never be filled in a timely fashion
and hurt healed with the expediency you crave
and so, commiting to something bigger than you,
you trust.

giving thanks

in no particular order and in under two minutes these are the things i am thankful for:
this journey. new friends. old friends. the text at 1.48am that invited me to thanksgiving dinner with two families i'm falling in love with. wireless internet. rain. touch. paper. pebbles. yoga classes. sunlight. silence. stars. electric blue. taste. tea. hand holding. the fact that my parents used to make us to go to karate. words. music. health. your glow. laughter. leaves. lagoons. my gocco. air travel. travel in general. trees. fresh fruit. homemade meals. wooden spoons. your smile. my muse. my family. prayer. harmony. books. photographs. mittens. libraries. windows. memories. dreams. cheese. sleeping bags.

the space between

i have been up since 6am.
far too early for a sunday.
the whole experience this morning was surreal.
the thick fog.
the packing ritual that i've seen more times than i can count.
a trip we would have made together.
with henry.
now that he is such a jetsetter.
but it no longer makes sense.
so i dropped them off at the airport.
pull away from the curb.
inhale.
exhale.
find a track on the cd player that suits the mood.
and breathe.

*

i know i've already mentioned this but i love the trees in tennessee right now.

*

a new friend (who feels like an old friend already), sent me carob in the mail. to alleviate the awfulness of being allergic to chocolate. i ate the entire king size block in oh, about 7 minutes. it was really good. i'm not sure if it was so good because i haven't had chocolate in nearly 3 weeks. or if carob is actually tasty. but either way. it was lovely.

*

today i went to see a movie called 'bella'.
you too should see this movie if possible.
it centers around the threads that bind us together...our common humanity. and the beauty in life. and in living it to serve others.
the lead actor of the movie, eduardo verastegui, besides being one of the most beautiful men i've ever encountered, spoke at the end of the screening. he is passionate about his 'mission' as he describes it. to create films, and use his talent in order to tell stories he is proud to be a part of. stories that are meaningful. that inspire. that cause hearts to beat faster. that leave people with a flame flickering within. a desire to do better. be better. strive for more.
it was a beautiful film. an important message. and an afternoon well spent.

*

this thursday is thanksgiving in this fine land.
i have been invited to several family thanksgivings.
each sound wonderful and festive.
but i think i might decline all the kind invitations and do something solitary.
it might involve a long walk through the woods with my ipod.
or sitting in my tree house, with copious amounts of tea and a good book.
the beauty of it is that i can do whatever i want to do.
and for that i'm very thankful.

*

leila meme'd me

truth be told, i don't really know what a 'meme' is.

but i do know what wikipedia is, so let's draw on it's wealth of knowledge:

A memetag (or meme tag) is a blog tag that is included in all posts that reference a meme. When a meme is started on a blog — for example, 'your top five favourite movies' — the meme tag is included at the foot of the text of each post that responds to the meme invitation.
By including a memetag, bloggers are recognising the initial creator of the meme and allowing them to track how their meme has spread across the blogosphere through the use of social media tools such as Technorati.
While inclusion of a memetag is not mandatory, it is done in the spirit of information sharing across the web and is a system based on trust.

okay. well i'm still uncertain. but i've been tagged by lovely leila so here are seven random/weird facts about myself. (if i have completely missed the point of a meme feel free to tell me).

1. it really irks me when people dot their 'i's with circles. in fact, i think i once stopped being penpals with a girl who started incorporating this into her penmanship.

2. on the 8th of august, 1988, my mum braided my hair into eight french-braids and 88 tiny braids. we went to the children's library in timaru and there was this contest where the 8, 18th, 88th person who walked in would receive a prize. i basically begged the librarians for a prize because, hello! check out the hair! do you see the 8 theme i have happening here?

i received a pencil sharpener shaped like a duck. it was a pretty lame prize if you ask me.

3. i love to walk. i love cities that embrace pedestrianism. if you walk with me prepare to walk fast to keep up. but i will love you for it.

4. i once lived in a flat in dunedin with two guys who 1) converted my bed permanantly into a skateboarding ramp, 2) put my mail in the freezer for months on end 3) wired my flatmate's 'tickle me elmo' voicebox into our doorbell so every time it rang elmo's grating giggle would peal through the flat.

5. i used to spell my last name wrong until i was about seven : khozouei (i would mix up the e and i at the end)

6. in july 2006 i had to convince a hotel manager in lahore, pakistan that i (and the film crew i was with) was not a threat to Pakistani intelligence. the next day we took the first train out of there to Delhi, India.

7. i still remember the mneumonic we had to learn in order to memorize the first part of the periodic table.

knowing the periodic table has not yet proved useful in my life.

**

it's autumn in tennessee (yes, 'fall', m2) and it is beautiful. trees in hues of crimson, amber and rust. it is spectacular and i can't stop taking pictures. this leads me to my new 'want'. a real camera. i have a slick little digital that i take everywhere, but i want a clunky REAL camera. the one that you actually need to understand in order to operate.

**

marabeth cleaned out her closet last night. here is what we learned:

1. when the girl says 'do you think i can snaz this up with some fun earrings?' this is code for 'this top is so awful that the only way to detract from it's awfulness is to wear oversized glittery earrings that draw the attention away'. the answer is always, emphatically, NO.

2. she uses the excuse 'but it's for sleeping in' (insert massive DOE eyes with batty eyelashes here) whenever she can't bear to part with something. the things marabeth may or may not, be sleeping in, range from structured jackets to long jean skirts.

3. when something has shrunk in the dryer to become a 'crop top' it's best to just chalk it up to a lesson learned and throw said item away immediately

4. that the bronze cowboy shirt was probably never a good idea

5. no one needs even ONE pair of bicycle shorts.

**

golocco

you may recall that some of the first posts on my blog were about this device called a 'gocco'. you may also recall that i was a bit obsessed with this machine and had to have one of my very own. after hours of trawling cyber space and losing a lot of ebay bidding wars, i ordered one from japan - home of the gocco. i also ordered a bunch of ink, screens, bulbs and paper.

one glorious day in may i got to my front door and there was this box sitting there. at last, the much anticipated gocco had arrived!
there was much celebration and glee.
then several months passed.

five to be exact.
and my gocco sat in my room and gathered dust.
i would think about it occaisionally but then was indimidated by the 'process'.

but today i got home from yoga and i decided it was time to make friends with my gocco.
and make friends i did.
this first series is titled 'our souls are friends'.
i know Q is going to think that i stole this from his world.
but in fact, my dear, i did not.

it is from another conversation i recently had.
something that was said to me.
that reverberated with truth.

one day, when i master the art of the gocco i'm going to sell my prints on my etsy store .

watch this space :)

table time 2 - the sequel

jc and m2 came over last night for a long overdue 'table-time'.

as always, lots of fun was had.
treats were eaten.
plates were broken.
hair was cut.
hilarity ensued.
m2 complained about the fact that we only had 2% milk, that sesame seeds shouldn't be in anything except hamburger buns (when i pursuaded her to eat a sesame-honey bar), that havarti with dill isn't as tasty as regular havarti (and she didn't know what dill was which didn't help the situation any).

so basically, it was like any other table time.

including the part where i was on the phone with my mum but had to stop mid-sentence to YELL out "inappropriate!" in order to get m2 to put her shirt back on.

and we took photographs to document it all. afterall, table time with these two is now a rare occurence so i had to make the most of this golden opportunity.

purse purchase

i bought a new clutch.
i'm quite partial to dandelions.
i'm not as obsessed with them as much as i am with bird motifs. but they might come a close second.

list of recent purchases that bring me joy**
tea with cardamom (already mixed together)
black footless tights (otherwise known as leggings, but that is so 1988)
brandi carlile cd
candles (lots of them, since i no longer live with a perhaps-i-was-a-fire-martial-in-a-past-life-because-open-flames-are-only-worrisome-and-not-really-allowed-indoors)
dr bach's flower essenses stress reliever (could be all placebo affect, but at this point i'm a-ok with that)
ginger and camomile organic hair shampoo
houndstooth patterned wool jacket

**(disclaimer: money does not buy happiness. but it does buy 4 pairs of really nice boots so i can have warm happy feet all winter long)

mmm for muffins

so i'm pretty proud of my mega muffins. each time they turn out a little different. which makes sense since there is no recipe that i follow. no real process. no flour and definitely no rising agent. they are a mish mash of whatever i think would work in a muffin. the base is always a couple of bananas, but the rest of the batch changes according to what we have in the fridge. this particular batch contains museli and raspberries. you can't really go wrong with that combo. they are also sugar-free, yeast-free and chocolate-free. yet still delicious. okay i'll stop raving about them now.

**

hung out with a friend tonight that i've been meaning to catch up with for weeks. we sat on my yellow couch, hot tea in hand and talked and sighed and talked some more. it was nice to share and also not have to explain everything because the other person 'gets it'. call it intuition, or just the common experience of the fragility that comes with being human. whatever it is, dealing with those moments can be easier when you share them with someone else who has felt the same way. they may not have the answers, but at least can identify with the feelings. and simply say, 'i know'.

**

ryan lash is back in america.
this makes me happy.
we've been friends for about 15 years.
that makes me feel old.
ry travels the globe and probably has more stamps in his passport than i have freckles on my face. that is a lot of stamps. he's going to be in austin for a week and i'd love to go and visit him. spend time with B too. but that doesn't fit into my current plan of desperately needing to sleep and rest over the weekend because during the weeks i'm running on empty.

**

today, driving home from work, i really missed henry. every now and then it will hit me like a wave. my friends who live in melbourne know my intense love for this little creature. he brought me a ridiculous amount of joy. taking him on walks was often the best part of my day. it was so good for me to be outside. in the sun. talking to strangers and making new friends at the park. watching him run with wild abandon and chase squirrels up trees. some days we'd walk along lygon street, i'd grab a latte and happily stroll down 'little italy' together. i truly loved taking care of him. i loved walking into our apartment and having him sit up in his bed, tail wagging at warp speed - so excited that i was finally home. i know that people get attached to their pets, and think their own is the best/cutest/smartest/most personable. and i was no different. one day i'll get another dog. and i'm sure it will be lovable and perfect in it's own way. but i think i will always have to swallow back the lump in my throat when i think about henry.

**

grand canyon over christmas break might be my latest plan.
see you there?

**

when the stars have all gone out | you'll still be burning so bright

my heart is really full.

full of gratitude
hope
excitement
love
faith.

this year has not been effortless nor easy
it has been heavy at times, complicated, uncertain
in a matter of days everything that was supposed to be 'forever'
was undeniably temporary
foundations were shaken and realities destroyed
and in the process i had to find 'me' again
and figure out what it is exactly that i wanted

(i have realized that the question 'what do you want?' is actually one of the hardest things i've had to answer)

i had to access strength
courage
authenticity
and figure out a way to get out of bed, smile and move through my day
independently of everything going on around me, i had to believe that it would all work out for the best

and so it's been a year full of searching
questioning
repairing

and i am so grateful for what i've experienced
all of it
and consequently, what i've learned
the compromises to happiness that i am no longer willing to make
the truth i've discovered
and the doors i've walked through
only to find unparalleled sweetness on the other side

happiness is:

thank you anusce!
i MISS you!
x

in your hometown

music pulses through its veins
and smiles transform strangers into friends
there is sweetness in the air
that laces each inhalation i make

walking streets i wonder
what traces of your steps they still contain
which doorways you leaned on
and windows your bright eyes looked through
which patch of grass you laid on staring up at summer skies

i'm comforted knowing at some point this small patch of earth contained you
and so i rest in its tree tops
and gaze at its bright stars
content to be here
hopeful and happy
in your hometown

*
interactions marked with
unbridled honesty
authenticity
enthusiasm for life
sheer joy
and careful consideration of shared belief
it is inevitable that you would be described as a 'friend to my soul'

and yet eloquence fails me
i'm speechless and my heart expands
with gratitude
and wonderment
thank you for reminding me constantly
of the standard of our aspirations

i hope you run through every open door
always taking time to jump into the air in your attempts to learn how to fly
and though i cannot predict where the days to follow will find us
we can rest in the knowledge that we spent them
in accordance to a greater rule
and that, ultimately, is the most precious gift we could give each other

*
179
*

jen jack rabbit

in march of 2000 i met this girl named jen on a street called 'hatzionut'. we bonded instantly and within days we were inseperable. we would scamper up and down haifa streets and steps and never tired of each other. we would stay up until 3am eating crackers and cheese. we drank copious amounts of red bull and soaked in camel beach sunshine every weekend in the summer. we listened to dido on repeat and lived on msn.

i am blessed by this friendship and lucky that jen jack rabbit is a part of my life to this day. luckier still, that right now, on her day-of-birth, she is here, within hugging distance.

jen. i love you. happy birthday!

these both made me smile.

no more horse playing. you've been warned. and pesto, olive, spinach and feta pizza. aka: YUM