dinner sponsored by the letter 'P'

it consisted of:

plantains and peanut butter.

yep. that's what i just inhaled for dinner. that's what i felt like. and so that is what i had. and it was delicious. fried plantains to me are like the fruit version of spanish donuts. in other words, sweet, decadent and greasy. and oh. so. good.

halloween tonight. saw a lot of people driving in their cars dressed weird. grand timing to be told i'm allergic to chocolate. it was everywhere i looked. in the staff kitchen. on counter tops. people handing it out on the street. i would turn a corner and lo and behold MORE chocolate.

i just kept repeating my mantra - the cocoa bean is NOT my friend.

you know what IS my friend? tea. i drank 4 cups of tea today. earl grey. kombucha green. rooibus red vanilla. and chai. in another life i'd like to own a tea shop. it would be on the corner of a narrow street in the middle of a city. it would have a bright red door. it would be so small and tucked away that if you didn't know to look for the bright red door you might miss it. you'd walk in and the shelves would be full of an assortment of different vintage jars all containing different loose leaf teas from all over the world. bamboo flooring. lots of funky lighting. then you would pick out a mug of your choice out of a wide variety. and a teapot. and you could sit on the couch or at a little table with your book. or your lover. or your best friend. and drink tea. as much as you wanted. and there would be music playing. and perhaps little sweet treats to go with your tea. and in the winter a fire place with cushions in front of it.

*

i'm really happy. i am singing-in-the-car-on-the-top-of-my-lungs-happy.

why? a multitude of reasons but the main one is probably because i feel like everything is falling into place exactly how it should. i'm deliciously content with my life, with how my days are spent and the people in them. i am glad that it's finally winter, but not a freeze-your-innards-cold like i used to experience in maine, just a cool-enough-to-wear-boots-and-snuggly-scarves-cold. i'm excited about jen visiting this weekend and getting to show her the hidden gems of nashville that maz and i have discovered. i'm happy with how my broadway season is coming along and the fact that i'm overcoming challenges and possibly breaking records along the way(!) i'm being more authentic than i've ever been. and i am loved. that last one is the key. if you have that then you can accomplish anything.

*

november is shaping up to be full of trips. the places i'm considering travelling to for a weekend are as follows:
austin, tx
washington dc
seattle

i'm not sure how to fit it all in. and quite possibly i won't make any of those three trips. i'm undecided.

list time i think:

list of things i've heard that may, or may not, be true:

1. you are significantly more depressed the week of your birthday than any other time during the year
2. goldfish have three second memories
3. your eyes can change color if you rid yourself of the toxins in your body
4. dogs are color blind

list of cities i haven't been to, but want to visit:

1. ashville, north carolina
2. austin, texas
3. barcelona, spain
4. shiraz, iran
5. istanbul, turkey
6. tuscany, italy
7. budapest, hungary
8. pretty much any city in south america

*

there is this security guard at the bank i go to across the street from work that always smiles at me a bit more than is necessary. and so i usually walk past quickly and try not to make much eye contact. so today he asked me if I was going to party with the ghosts tonight. and i thought he asked me out on a date. i don't know why i misunderstood. blame the southern accent. or the wind. or the fact that i was focussing on not eating chocolate. anyway. i gave him a steely look and said 'no'. very emphatically. he looked hurt.

it wasn't until *after* i had made my transaction that i realized what he had asked. and then i felt bad. so i went out of my way to go past him again and the conversation went like this:

me (apologetically) 'i'm sorry, i just realized what you said - ghosts. (uneasy laugh). um so yeah. no, i'm not going out tonight for halloween'

security guard 'yeah. i asked you about the ghouls too'

me (trying to get away now that i'd explained myself) 'okay. well. yep. not going out with the ghouls either'

security guard 'yeah...well how about ghosts?'

me (edging away) 'nope. no ghosts'

security guard 'will you go out with me then?'

me (turn and walk away golriz. turn and WALK away) 'um nope. still no. no thanks'

the whole thing was awkward. as you can imagine.

*

m2, let's do lunch soon. which wich for old times sake?

finding me.

this post is a glimpse into the one hour conversation i had this morning that i will never forget.

everything that i was told reverberated with me. it was all true.
i received clarity. and validation. and loving guidance.

and as a result i feel incredibly light. free. and really excited about my task at hand - recognizing myself. knowing what makes me happy. what leads to loftiness. and chasing it. grabbing hold of it. and not resting until i find it.

even the information that could have depressed me - being diagnosed as highly allergic to chocolate (it MUTATES my cells people!), and needing to avoid sugar and yeast - wasn't really that hard to hear. it made sense. as if i always knew this, but needed someone to tell me. directly.

it reminded me how important it is to listen to my intuition. to trust my senses. to be authentic.

i was also firmly instructed to stop apologizing for myself. to actively find whatever pursuits and whomever makes me feel amazing - and turn and run from people/situations that are toxic. once again this comes down to trusting your intuition. knowing 'healthy' from 'unhealthy', 'whole' from 'unintegrated'.

i do not want to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. so it's important to learn what i can and then move on. making different choices the next time around.

it is no wonder that i'm obsessed with birds this year. i feel like i'm finally free to take to flight and soar high. and that, my friends, feels amazing.

*

not on the job description

it is about 11.30pm and i am in a dressing room with one of the original Bond girls who was in Goldfinger (Shirley Eaton), Truly Scrumptious (from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang) - Sally Ann Howes, and this guy who tells me that he sells celebrity memoribillia, "but i only sell signed things once the person is dead". like that somehow makes it all better.

it's all rather surreal.

the show (the first on my 'official season', my fair lady, is gorgeous. the costumes and set are lavish, and the acting and choreography is stellar. i'm exhausted though. a week of little sleep. and doesn't seem to be slowing down.

on friday i met one of the founding fathers of america. of course he was thrilled to pose with me.

we are strangers here on our way to some other place

17 things i'm currently enamoured with:

1. flight of the conchords
2. orchids
3. "whatever it is you intend, I'm sure I'll discern from the fingerprints you leave"
4. the stranger who paid for my coffee for no reason other than i was in line behind him
5. brandi carlile
6. may 2008
7. night
8. your voice
9. windows wide open
10. authenticity
11. heartbeats displacing warm southern air
12. the frames
13. pianos. cellos. violins.
14. dirty chai. extra hot.
15. solitary moments
16. this moment
17. hope


*

exhibit-a-of-honesty-on-fridays-at-3.26pm

"i have something to tell you"
"yes?"

pause

"i'm engaged"
"you're engaged?"

long pause

"yes"
"you're getting married?"
"yes"

looking out the window. absorbing. laughing.

"when?"
"saturday"

"saturday. as in, tomorrow?"

longest pause

"yes"

*

all that i want to say is left in the words inbetween.
always.
unable to pour it out in this space like some of you are able to do.
i envy that freedom.
expression without care for consequence.
engaged in a careful dance.
showing some skin.
but mostly keeping it concealed.
inhaling. exhaling.
surgeons warning.
ignored.
dark now.
sitting in this safe space.
surrounded by trees.
content with discontent.

*

inevitable

i've hit that metaphoric 'wall'
marabeth kept warning me: slow down. eat some celery. don't go out again tonight. don't answer your phone. SLEEP.
and i kept ignoring. because i was scared to stop. to stand still. to miss out.
and now all the stress has infiltrated my core. and i am tired. unbelievably tired.
this weekend my only plan is to sleep, eat soup and go to yoga. that's my entire agenda.

earlier this week i flew to tuscon, arizona to see avenue Q. it is a hilarious show. basically it's sesame street gone wrong. who knew puppets could be so funny? tucson was interesting. i'm not a big fan of the desert, what with its giant cacti and dust. but it was nice to get away for a couple of days. it was not nice, however, to come back to the mountain of work that had piled up in my absence and the number of urgent! emails! with! their! annoying! red! exclamation! marks! in my inbox made me physically naseous.

i spent all day at my desk. filtering through emails. making calls. trying to find solutions. trying not to panic. trying to remember to breathe in. and breathe out. needless to say, i'm so glad tomorrow is friday.

the other day i received a beautiful wedding invitation from one of my oldest friends. elene was my first friend when i moved to new zealand. she went to south school and she ate feta cheese sandwiches too. the only way my parents could convince me to start speech and drama classes was by telling me that elene was also going to be there. we ended up going to the same highschool, continued to take speech and drama classes with the infamous 'Denson'. and then traipsed off to Otago for uni. she is an amazing friend and i'm so disappointed i can't make it to her wedding.

marabeth finally bought a new cellphone today. i kind of bullied her into it. things were getting out of control. the cell phone she currently has is of the 'relic' variety. it's one of those old nokias that you could throw out of a moving car and it would still function. it has brick-like qualities. like being cumbersome and heavy. and a bit useless. anyway, after much teasing and eye rolling every time she told me that she didn't have unlimited nights and weekends, i had enough. we went online and a few minutes later she finally took the plunge. her new phone gets here in a few days and then there will be the 'adjustment' phase where she learns how to switch the thing on and off, and how to answer calls. step two will be text messaging. but that won't be for a while. i mean, this is the same girl who up until three nights ago thought she HAD to shut down her laptop before closing the lid. the concept of 'hibernation' was new to her. she thought her laptop would be seriously impaired if she didn't shut it down entirely everytime she was finished using it. ultimately, marabeth's technological ineptitude (is this a word?) (it should be) is kind of endearing.

as she finished her online purchase i commended her and told her that it was great she was keeping up with technology because she didn't want to be one of those people who didn't know how to program a VCR, and she responded with alarm 'but i AM one of those people!'

and i'm not so much concerned by that, but more so by the fact that she didn't question my reference to a VCR. because who in america, in 2007, still has a VCR?

nobody. that's who.

amplify.

1. the same cake you made for me seven years ago, i decided to make for you. on this day. your day.

1a. i'm glad you enjoyed it.

2. today i received a manuscript for a novella. written by a friend. a poet. an artist. i know if i start reading i won't stop until i reach page sixty four. so i am saving it. for tomorrow's plane trip. and the airport terminals inbetween.

2a. the description line: 'documents held together with alligator clip', definitely made me smile.

2b. did i tell you once that our souls are friends? i am sure i did. but i want to be sure.

3. it was not okay for you to be spoken to like that and i'm sorry for the hurt you must have felt. it is awful to feel so indispensable.

3a. if i was there i would hope that i would have had the chance to stand up for you. don't allow the unprofessionalism you experienced to squash your passion. promise me.

4. it is already tomorrow (12.16am) and i haven't packed for my trip. or started getting organized. there is chaos around me and in my head.

5. i think i need to stop eating sugar. i think i might start tomorrow.

6. i can feel something stirring in the air. i'm not sure what it is but it makes my heart beat faster. and i'm always on the verge of sighing.

6a. i think i sigh more than the average person.

7. soy chai latte with a shot of espresso from wild oats = perfection

8. listened to your cd today on the way to work. sang along on the top of my lungs.

8a. is it everything you hoped it would be when you spun around in circles in anticipation?

9. we've stopped communicating. and i don't really feel the need to start again.

10. i slept in the middle. woke on one side.

11. whether we are experimenting with pendulums, or i'm shifting gears so you can talk on the phone while driving, you bring incredible amounts of joy and laughter into my life. thank you.

"and the story ends, one way or another, at sundown- when two-thousand-and-seven memories of mine...hold hands and reconcile" QMN

i owe you numerous blog entries. i have missed this space. but like i wrote to Q, i was waiting on my life to be less HBO and more Disney channel. i was waiting for a time when everything made sense again and i could write without feeling like i wasn't writing anything true.

and today is that day. it's saturday. my favorite day. i had twelve whole hours of sleep last night. missed my date with kanye and guster, and chose my pillow instead. made the right choice. and woke feeling rested. went to a yoga class. luxuriated in the poses. loved that sade 'lovers rock' was playing the entire class. walked out into brilliant sunshine. and felt extreme overwhelming gratitude.

i have lots of phone calls to return. and emails to respond to. and i will get to them. but not right this minute. because quite frankly, i'm happy to sit here, with my feet in the patch of sun spilling into this room. with a class of cool h2o. listening to the frames.

much better blog to waste your time reading

if you haven't met sarah brown let me have the distinct pleasure of introducing you. if you check out her blog right now you will come across my favorite post that she does every now and then where she types up various text messages she has received. when i read these i laugh and then get kind of annoyed that i don't receive text messages this interesting.

snap.shots.snapped.

look what i found. i bought this a few weeks before nina visited me in melbourne. the girl can play the harmonica/blues harp/call-it-what-you-will, like a fiend. so she inspired me. and the purchase was made. but unfortunately, when i placed this instrument to my lips, instead of wailing jazz/blues, came out irish jig music. think 'riverdance'. i know, awful. so anyway, during my last organizing spree i came across this forgotten gem. and now i can't put it away but i can't play it either.

i fondly refer to these as 'cocaine bars' because they are 100% addictive and bad for you. m2 and i were introduced to them at caa. they became our breakfast substitute. the perfect accompaniment to tea. but why stop at one? when you can have two? or three? but we would always 'share' the third. because we were well aware that we were heading to a dangerous place fast. my only advice to you is to not start.

i purchased these from etsy.com a long time ago. i have no intention of ever wearing them but i love them. once again, i put this down to golriz's bird obsession of 2007. which you'll just have to deal with until 2008 and by then, let's hope i have a new obsession. because there is only so much bird paraphenalia one person can acquire.

i had loved these wall decals the moment i saw them and now they feature on my walls in all their winged-flight-glory. i especially love the one that wraps around the corner. i'm in the mood to decorate my space lately. but i'm waiting until i have something smaller and cosier. our current apartment is great but so big that no matter how much you fill it up, there is all this empty space. i am already excited about potentially moving to east nashville next year and renting a little bungalow. with a garden. and a tree. and fun neighbors who we have over for dinner and get wrapped up in conversation until 2am. and saturday mornings at the farmer's market. and trivia night at three crow bar.

i think that once a month i will take a shot of this space - the surface of my bedside drawers. sometimes ordered and neat, many times messy. it would be interesting to see the books that feature and whether i can allow myself to take the picture without adjusting anything. without straightening, or removing or adding. whether i can let it be true to the exact moment the picture was taken. so, the 17th of every month. remind me if i forget.

and finally, this is my hairdresser's business card and the 'egg stone'...aptly named because it is a stone, that is shaped like an egg.

truest thing

today my brother called me. he has the uncanny ability to cut through all nonsense and say things to me that are acutely true.

can you handle it if i start being more honest on this blog? i'm not sure.

sigh.

that's all i had to say.

oh. except for, i have tickets to kanye west tonight. want to be my date?

they say it's your birthday...

i have a public confession to make.
last month a good friend of mine celebrated her birthday.
and i forgot.
and this probably isn't the first time i have forgotten a birthday of someone i love.
and probably won't be the last.
i'm just not good at remembering dates.
and i know that is a lame excuse.
and i know that is what calendars are for.
but i'm not good at keeping them up to date.
or even referencing them on a daily basis.
so unless your day of birth has been ingrained in my brain by sheer repetition, or because you remind me the day before, then chances are i won't remember it.

and in my defense, facebook didn't do it's part by informing me. which is odd, since it seems like i'm notified everytime one of my friends so much as sneezes.

so anyway, rachael elizabeth dere, HAPPY (albeit late) BIRTHDAY to you!

party is postponed until you get here, or i there, and we tear up the dance floor. well, since you have all the shakira moves, you will be tearing it up, and i will watch in awe and try to keep up.

i love you.

xgol

for m2

dinner: feta cheese, almonds and apricot jam on spelt bread.
and tea. of course.

m-town

on wednesday i went to memphis, tennessee, with two of my workmates to attend the 'touring broadway - road marketer's forum'. the morning we were leaving i felt so guilty not being at my desk - there is just so much going on right now with tpac's official broadway season starting, that taking three days off seemed completely illogical. but as soon as we were on the road, listening to cat empire and watching the green landscape streak by, i let go of all the anxiety and started to enjoy myself. afterall, we were on a roadtrip. and in my book, roadtrips = a.great.deal.of.fun.

i had a such a great time in memphis. the city has a similar pulse to nashville. relaxed, warm, friendly, music oriented. the marketing forum i went to was amazing. i learned so much listening to experiences shared by marketing managers from other theaters. these people are consumate pro's and many of them have been in the industry longer than i have lived in one country so i didn't say much. i was in the 'silent observer' category, rather than the 'hear my fabulous idea complete with jazz hands gesturing' category.

and now i'm back home and so grateful i have the weekend to recover.

very catchy and very cute.

thanks to t.r.a. this song has been stuck in my head for days.
i love it. but it does make me wish i could whistle.

raise your hopeful voice

hello anonymous,

i'm sorry i did not wish you a happy birthday.

i guess i don't know when your birthday is.

or even if it is one that i would know, if i knew who you are.

but as it meant enough for you to leave a comment on my last post, this is just for you:

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear anonymous-slightly-passive-aggressive-commenter
happy birthday to youuuu.

*
i got to my yoga class today late and it was packed. i had to step around mats carefully and it wasn't easy to find a patch of empty hardwood floor. the class was at green hills which is one of the wealthier areas of nashville...containing a large quota of what could be described as 'the beautiful people'. it's a little intimidating to walk into a gym where no one looks like they need to work out. muscles are defined and bodies are sculpted...and there is a lot of walking around, filling up water bottles and talking about reps and mirror gazing. i don't really know how else to set the scene, but basically lycra looks good on these people. and that, is a feat in itself.

anyway as i was rolling out my mat and feeling bad about being late, this young girl in front of me, who was probably only about 7 years old, turned around and gave me the biggest smile. it was such a great grin that for a second i wondered if knew her. if i should recognize her? but she wasn't familiar. her smile was amazing. and i don't know why she felt compelled to share it with me, but it was contagious. i had to smile back. and then we were instant friends. she was there with her mother and i loved that they were able to do this together. it's hard for me to concentrate on a 90 minute yoga session, so i was pretty impressed with this child's ability to give it her all, consistently for the entire class. and it melted my heart watching her carefully roll up her mat at the end and politely thank the instructor.

well behaved children are definitely high on my list of things that parents should get recognition and awards for.

i'm glad i am (finally) making the effort to seek out and go to yoga classes. they kept me sane in melbourne - my school schedule allowed me to go about 4 times a week. but in the last 10 months i've only been about 4 times. the problem is i'm pretty picky about the instructor - especially after bad experiences - like the time an instructor pulled out a whistle and blew on it loudly every time she wanted us to transition into a pose. want to completely ruin my peaceful yoga experience? pierce the air with a shrill whistle every sixty seconds.

*
thank you for the frames cd.
it is amazing. and has entered my world with perfect timing.
i think 'falling slowly' is still my favorite. the others are exceptional too.
but this one takes me back to a hall with a piano in the corner.
it's past midnight. we were supposed to be quiet. and this song is being played and sung with eyes closed.
i loved it instantly.

*

you know you have great friends when they happily agree to be facepainters for 100 kids who, between the juice boxes and the icing on the cupcakes, are hopped up on sugar. and smilingly figure out how to fulfill requests like 'i want to be a dragon. not just a dragon. a very very SCARY dragon'

*

i'm making muffins. i'm just going to say that they are amazing - considering they have no flour or raising agent. they are so heavy you could build a house with them in lieu of bricks. maz and i have them for breakfast. and they are made up of whatever i have in the refrigerator that could possibly be included in a muffin recipe.

one day i'd like to send someone cookies/cupcakes/muffins/bread...something baked, in the mail.

i think it would be amazing to receive crumbly chewy oatmeal cookies in the mail. okay, it's on the list of things to do before 2008.

*