on the cusp of october

these amazing designs are created by melody marshall habibi using facebook's 'graffiti' application. i so wish i could get them printed up on huge canvasses for my wall.


*
so i think 'cusp' is a pretty fantasic word. maybe because it is similar to 'crepuscular' which is one of my alltime favorite words. crepuscular means twilight or something to do with twilight. what is not to love about twilight?

anyway, october is already busy and it has yet to begin. many people i know and love have birthdays in october. i'll be travelling to memphis and tuscon for work. and my official broadway season will open with my fair lady. and then before i know it, it will be november. and boots weather. i love my boots. and i am more than a little excited about busting them out on nashville's streets. they are cream, scrunchy and wooden heeled. i'm also tempted to get some real deal cowboy boots. i know. this is what nashville has done to me. oh well.

*
it's list time i think.

why my weekend was wonderful

holley seals (enough said)
delicious lucayan salad at calypso cafe
meandering through centennial park enjoying the arts & crafts fair
seeing a dog that looked like a polar bear
devouring homemade fudge
the abundance of sunshine
a cryptic text, that once decoded made me smile for the rest of the day
being with good friends and having great conversations till 4am
being so thoroughly entertained by the process of deciding what to watch with the options that video on demand presented us with
not succumbing to watching a movie called 'venom'
sleeping in on sunday
intense and long overdue yoga class
reading in my tree house
eva cassidy's voice

*

faces in places

i love it when people find the 'interesting' in the 'everyday'. these are some of my favorites. check out this little gem of a blog for more.

frag.men.ted.

last night m2 and i saw one of our favorite singer/songwriters at city hall- brandi carlile. seeing her live just reaffirmed how amazing she is - extremely talented, effortlessly beautiful - possessing grace and humility which is so endearing in a world saturated with ego. i love her voice. i especially love that she doesn't try to be cute or 'pretty' when she sings. she is raw and real and honest and so refreshing.

m2 took pictures and i'll post them as soon as she comes here for table time. it was so good spending time together yesterday. it is a relief when you don't have to put on a smile and try to fake it for the benefit of the other person. because they'd see right through the glazed eyes and say 'um no. you are not okay. tell me what is going on'.

*

so i wrote it here
deleted it
and then sent it to you both
it wasn't meant for public display
i hope you received it with the love that it was offered with

*

so many of my memories are attached to music
bic runga singing 'gravity' on repeat as i drove to work reminded me of this
how one chord, the first note can transport you to a place. a face. a sense of how it all was.
jen used to make us skip over mr. jones on the counting crows cd.
i didn't really mind since it was my least favorite track.
i totally understand now.
sometimes the immediacy of the memory is too much.

*

your text message said you might be working in iraq next year
i don't think i know how to feel about that
in many ways i'm excited about what the future holds for you
there is so much potential there
but i'm also terrified.
and then i remember that it won't be my journey anymore
and i wonder if i'll ever not wonder
how you are
where you are
and if you are happy

*

i need to reset
reconfigure
recharge
rejuvinate
relax
reinstate
refuel
replenish

all the 're' things basically.

*
the table i am sitting at is cluttered with stuff. it's my fault. i've not been in the mood to put things where they belong. and for whatever reason i feel compelled to list them:

3 light bulbs
some dates
a bright blue bracelet
a hair tie
m2's mail
a stack of dvds
my digital camera
estella ipod
bose ipod speakers
a candle
a red plate
a check
my favorite mug
cell phone
silver earings
a map of tennessee
a glossy magazine
car keys
a pencil
sony laptop which annoys me with its incessant whirring sounds
mac laptop which is silent and therefore my favorite
black dangly earrings
my australian taxes

*

oh 70s formica furniture how i love thee.

the 'you just have to watch this movie' of the season

i get a lot of people recommeding movies to me. perhaps because i have a film degree that i never put to good use. or perhaps just because they know i will give anything a chance. afterall i did see 'snakes on a plane' and you can't really scrape the barrel any lower than that.

in recent weeks this movie has been recommended to me by many of my art/music savvy friends. and now one of my all time favorite bloggers, dooce, is also smitten. so i would love to spend a sunday afternoon watching this gem.

but.

it's not playing ANYWHERE in nashville.

since when have i lived in a country where you can't get what you want, when you want it? and with a side of fries?

i'm disgruntled. to say the least.

it is playing in memphis or atlanta. road trip anyone?

saturdays in september

september in nashville, tennessee, is truly beautiful.
it is still very green but gradually the leaves are turning varying hues of gold.
the weather is warm. but there is almost always a cool breeze gently moving white clouds across the brilliantly blue skies.

i'm sitting here in my 'tree house', in one of my comfy pod chairs. feet up on the table. tea by my side. lap top on lap.

i've just returned from a funeral service.
the mother of one of my friends passed away a few days ago.
it was a huge devastating shock, as untimely death always is.
but when is death timely?
i remember her smile and kind eyes.
i remember how i could sense the deep love between her and her husband.
and listening to the stories today and looking around the hall at all the myriad of lives that she had touched i thought about the legacies we each leave behind.
and the sheer importance of kindness
of living authentically
of being audacious
of friendships
of gratitude
of enjoying the wonderful
and accepting the painful
and holding each others hands as we go.

*

2.30pm
always on cue.
a daily reminder.
thank you.

*

"it was good seeing you"

"it was good seeing you too"

and i meant it. and i think he did too.

*

11.11

f and i used to make wishes when all the numbers on the clock lined up. i don't do that anymore. but there was a time when it was habit.

*
today i had a morning meeting at one of my favorite coffee shops in nashville - dunn bros. it's an independent chain. and it has couches. and a piano. and great coffee. i walked in feeling torn.

i wanted a chai latte. but i knew i needed more caffiene. so as i'm having this internal struggle the barrista asked me if i felt like experimenting. he said he used to work at another coffee shop where they would make a drink called a 'dirty chai'. it was basically a chai latte with a shot of espresso. to be honest, this didn't sound that great. but it was a fusion that seemed to address my conflict. so i decided to try it.

result: i have a new favorite drink. 'dirty chai'. try it. i dare you.

*

i'm always planning a trip.

right now the list of destinations that i would easily get on a plane and fly to includes (in no particular order):

the greek islands
new zealand
melbourne
alaska
barcelona
california
haifa
istanbul
belize
italy

*

i am having a difficult time being still.
relaxing. not doing anything. resting.
being idle.
i fear that if i stop. pause. breathe too deeply - that i may not start up again.
i know that sounds illogical.
but that is how i've been feeling.
so i constantly find something to do.
i am always 'doing' something.
work. play. write. read. adventure.
laugh. vent. plan. create.
which is great. but exhausting. to be switched on always.
sometimes i wish i had a tv. just to switch off.
but then i think about the time i would waste.
when i could be 'doing' something.
and the cycle continues.

*

too tired to think of a title. use your imagination.

tonight maz and i went to trivia night with some friends at three crow bar in east nashville.
a few things eventuated.

firstly, we realized we should be living in charming east nashville and not stuffy bellemeade.

secondly, deep fried brie with strawberries, caramelized walnuts and raspberry brulee. enough said.

thirdly, we won second place! i'm going to put that down to my random knowledge of operatic lingo, marabeth's great call with the orchid being thailand's official flower...and perhaps the fact that there was this guy on our team with a photographic memory.

fourthly (is fourthly a word? leila?) we enjoyed a midnight snack of rock sugar.

and now we are both WIDE awake at 1am. when we really should be sleeping so we can pretend to function tomorrow.

nashville, sometimes you scare me.

night owls on the prowls

wordy and vacuous

for some reason the temperature in our office is so cold that you could leave milk out on my desk in the morning and you could still enjoy it with your cereal at the end of the day. this means that no matter how well i plan my outfit for the day i always end up wrapping myself in a bright red fleece jacket that i found stuffed away in one of the file cabinets. i have no idea whose jacket this is. and it is about 6 sizes too big for me. but i have now claimed it. a bit like the 'orphan annie' mug.

the walk with maz across the bridge back to our cars at the end of the day has fast become one of the favorite parts of my day. firstly i get to defrost. secondly, we are always bordering on hysterics. i love that i can share the nuances of my day with someone who 'gets' it because she is actually there. to witness. i had this with m2 at CAA and i'm pretty spoiled to have it again with maz.

every day we relive some moment or escapade that has us both in throws of laughter. not pretty, dainty giggles but doubled up, choking, tears streaming down cheeks, laughter. and there is inevitably someone that walks by with an amused look wondering what is so funny that two girls who from the outset appear relatively normal, are falling over themselves laughing.

one day last week i was in a meeting with my boss. the red fleece was wrapped around me so i was looking extra unprofessional. luckily i can get away with oddities like this - i just smile and say "i'm from new zealand". like the day i told my sales rep from hard rock cafe that i liked her cologne. i know cologne is what guy's wear. and my rep is a woman. so it was just a mistake on my part. but when she raised her eyebrow instead of saying 'oh i mean perfume', i said 'oh, that's what we say in new zealand - cologne for both men and women'. which is a total lie. but this nz excuse seems to cover all infractions of normal behavior. i think i learned this from m2. whenever i'd do something she thought strange, like order hot water at restaurants, she'd explain apologetically 'she's from new zealand'. and all was forgiven.

anyway, my boss tells me that this meeting is my 60 day review. my jaw drops open. not subtle. but i had no idea - it seemed to me like i just started two weeks ago.

as he begins to talk to me about how things are going, i hear a panicking voice outside his office calling my name. loudly. let it be established, for the record, that while you are in your 60 day review it's probably not ideal to have people yelling your name out across the office in a voice that indicates trouble. so i gingerly sidle over to the door and find out that the courier is here to pick up this huge mailout i'm doing, but the boxes of supplies to be mailed are no where to be found. how you can misplace ten thousand brochures i don't know. but they are not where they should be. and this is causing significant consternation.

so my ever-patient boss 'excuses' me to go deal with the drama. i head down to the loading dock to locate the missing mountain of boxes. the courier waits impatiently while chain smoking. i grab a large heavy steel trolley (decided not to take on the fork lift) and start hunting for my brochures. once i find them i have to spend ten minutes stacking them - limited upper body strength not helping my cause at all.

i finally get back to the loading dock and thankfully courier guy stuck around and is sucking on what looks like his 7th cigarette. so then i decide to be helpful - you know, 'hand' each box to him. i was about six feet above him on the dock, while his van was parked in the driveway below. so i'm teetering around in heels and a skirt (once again can reiterate how great this must look with an oversized fire engine red fleece) and trying to make courier guy's job easier when suddenly the trolley's steel mass becomes unbalanced and two of the wheels roll off the dock resulting in all of the boxes crashing down on the concrete below, narrowly missing courier guy. paper is strewn every where. courier guy is unimpressed and i am using all my strength to hold on to the trolley to prevent it too, from falling.

this could have been a tragedy. afterall the poor man could have been severely injured by several thousand spamalot themed broadway season brochures...so that isn't really funny. but at 6pm after a day of full of moments like this, it is funny. unable-to-breathe-because-i'm-laughing-so-hard-funny.

**
i really like tea. sigh. and you probably already know this. if i know you well enough - i'll walk into your house. say hello. hug you fiercely. and then go into your kitchen and boil water for tea. holley knows me so well the hot water is waiting. as is her cupboard full of gourmet teas to choose from. and great mug selections.

twinings earl grey will always be my number one favorite. it is the tea my dad drinks. loose leaf earl grey. black. for as long as i can remember he'd come home from work, we'd have dinner, and then he would have tea. with sweet dates. as a child i wasn't allowed to drink tea - so i'd get to have hot water with a bit of sugar, and i'd pretend.

pg tips is a recent favorite. i would start every morning in london with a cup of this and toast with nutella. it was the most perfect breakfast and that might have had something to do with the fact that some one else would make it for me and that's always lovely. i bought a box of this back to the states with me and whenever i have it, it takes me back to that small kitchen and looking out of the window hoping for sun and often seeing grey clouds hinting at rain instead.

marabeth introduced me to kombucha green tea. it's a tea that actually makes you feel like you are becoming healthier with each sip. and then there are chai lattes. m2's all time favorite drink. which are more like desserts then tea. but oh so good.

**

m2 and jc came over last night for a table time reunion. they were a little disoriented because of the mix up in seating arrangements. the other change was that jc now has his own laptop (a mac powerbook that i'm only a little bit very envious of) so we are all a lot quieter because he isn't telling stories about his day and m2 and i no longer have to listen and feign interest. it was nice to all hang out again though and it was just like old times with m2 ordering me to make her food (and then eating half of it) and jc trying to earn his stripes as a zilla-hunter.

**

random request:

if you can facepaint and you will be in nashville on the night of the 28th of september let me know.

alternatively if you cannot facepaint but you can say in a calm voice 'hey kid, you may not look like spiderman but i just painted your face for free so stop complaining.' give me a call too.

**

she's infectious

imogen heap 'just for now'

for luciano, because we are also what we have lost

the notebook lives on my bedside table
unassuming
a remnant from honesty month
it remains silent
because beyond the letter you wrote for me within its pages
reading the rest feels akin to spying
gaining access into a private world
although i have the key
i still don't feel safe
your familiar handwriting
as old as our friendship
for that is where it began
with words on a page
on a screen
over the phone
over seven years sustained with words
that makes for a lot of words
and isn't it interesting that we still use the same words and talk about the same things?
i know your script and the lines it makes on a page
better than i can describe your eyes
or your hands
or your mouth
it's the drawings that fascinate me
these linear forms
sad and solitary
i read the quotes that you found interesting
all those years ago
'the world is my idea' - arthur schopenhauer
insight into your mind
your points of inspiration
it meant enough for you
to write it down
twice
once in red and
once in black

rambling post for ro.

did you know that you are the only person who calls me 'go'? remember that time we were in a store and you kept calling out to me to wait - saying: "go, stop. go, stop"? and everyone was looking at us like we were crazy. that still makes me smile.

when we were both very young dad pulled me aside one day and told me that you were sensitive. at the time i thought it meant you were kinder than me. more intune with the world. i was a bit offended by this but i also knew it was true. you had a heightened awareness of what was going on around you. a gentleness and generosity that i did not possess.

i remember you sitting on the persian rug in our living room at 24 mountain view road, building intricate machinery with your legos. the fact that you ended up getting your degree in mechanical engineering was such a natural course of action for you. your ease at dismantling and repairing things used to amaze me. i bet you could fix my towel rack.

it's taken you and i awhile to become close. not surprising considering the number of times i took the prize for world's worst sibling...one incident i remember well was throwing those bits of gravel at the house in front of our piano teachers place with you. when the owner of the house came out i went over and talked to him. i don't recall what we talked about but when i came back to you i told you he was mad about the stone throwing and he had called the police. and they were coming to take you away. you started to cry. i felt bad. but it was too late, the damage was done.

one of my most treasured memories of you is actually that night i took the train to geelong. i was at a loss. there was no one i wanted to talk to more than you. and you stayed on the phone with me for that entire trip. you listened to me and you cried with me. i have never felt closer to you than that occasion.

i'm so proud of you. i'm so impressed by the way you carry yourself in this world. your honesty inspires me. you have always been true to yourself and pushed me to do the same.

hope we get to hang out in the same city again soon.

your sister,
go

pieces and bits.

can i talk about the weather for a minute? i know it's not the most exciting subject and feel free to sit me down and give me a stern talking to if i ever become one of those people that checks the forecast daily and uses the word 'precipitation'. but i have to state, for the record, that the weather today in nashville met my approval 100%. blue skies. bright. the perfect ratio of hot sun and cool breeze. it was my definition of a perfect summer day. and after weeks of feeling like i live in a perpetual sauna it felt so. amazingly. wonderful. to be outside today.

this wonderful weather set the stage for my morning walk. i love this walk across the bridge into the city. ten minutes where the world acts as my backdrop. it exists around me but i don't have to interact with it. i walk at warp speeds according to marabeth so she takes the shuttle and i do the walk alone. with my ipod. and sunshine on my back. if you saw me (speed)walking across that bridge in the morning i'd probably be smiling. i can't help it. it's just that for those brief minutes everything is alright with the world. everything is exactly. as. it. should. be.

i'm having fun with my completely improper usage of full stops today. sorry if it bothers you. really, if it should bother anyone - this blatant lack of regard for grammer, spelling, punctuation, phrasing and begining-sentences-with-uppercase-letters, it should be me. the person with the master's degree in editing and publishing. but it's the least of my concerns.

**

i keep wanting to draw someone's attention to the light that was captured filtering through the trees. making that particular photograph even harder for me to not look at.

**

today i broke the towel rack in my bathroom. it came off the wall. i have no idea how to fix it. this is a problem. because now my towels have no home. it comprises of three simple pieces. the two 'arms' and a metal rod. i have tried every angle. it is like a riddle.

**

i found out a couple of days ago that my brother is going to canada for two months. my mum told me and then i read it on his facebook wall. when my mum told me i was in an irritable mood (sorry mum) so it didn't really hit home. and then reading it on rosh's facebook page i realized how excited i am that he will be in the same continent as me. i really hope he comes to nashville for a visit.

saturday with sufjan

when i was in mont eagle last weekend a few of us decided to find some mexican food. well, our search for mexican lead us to this great bbq shack. it was about the size of my wardrobe. and in the middle of nowhere. how could we resist? the menu was tacked onto the wall along with a random assortment of decorations. like beehives and a slab of stone with the ten commandments etched into it.

the food was actually great. and it was nice to sit on the porch of this little eatery on a summers evening and amuse ourselves by throwing food into the air and watching andy catch it in his mouth. one of his many impressive talents, along with scaring people (it's all about coming from down low supposedly) and writing/playing incredible music that has universal appeal. i KNOW we're not supposed to have favorites. but he's definitely a new favorite person of mine...even considering the fact that he reinforced my stigma about being short. and showed me a picture of another favorite person of mine beating up a baby pigeon.

**

i can't find the two art prints that i bought ages ago.
which is a shame since i've finally bought frames for them.
losing things annoys me to no end.
in general i know where everything is.
the only thing i tend to lose sometimes is myself. but we've already covered my navigational deficiencies.

**

when i was young we lived in a small town called hatton. it was in warwickshire, england. we were friends with our neighbors. there were four children - john, robert, elizabeth and emma. here is what i can recall about them - john was the eldest. robert was deaf. elizabeth was my age and emma was a little chubby.

around 5pm every night their mum would come out and stand on the front door step and call them in so they could have their baths and go to bed. i never really saw the children's father as he was quite reclusive. but i remember he had a red beard and he was really tall. in my head he was so tall that when he stood up he hunched over his shoulders so his head wouldn't hit the ceiling. i'm sure this isn't true. as chances are he wasn't that tall and they weren't living in a cave. but whatever. it's my memory and that's how i remember it.

anyway, up until bath/sleep time we would play outside together. there was a huge log which we would pretend was a shop counter - we would collect sticks, seeds, bean pods and leaves and trade our supplies with each other.

one day elizabeth and i decided to plant sunflowers. we watched over the next few weeks as they grew. i don't recall it being a competition but i guess in my head it was. one night after elizabeth had to go inside for her bath i lingered near our sunflowers. i remember feeling this surge of jealousy that her sunflower was so much taller than mine. it didn't seem fair, afterall we'd used the same soil and they were both receiving the same amount of sun and water. in an instant i stepped forward. grabbed its strong green stem in my hand and snapped her flower in half. the top half hung limply against the bottom part of the stem. i felt a surge of triumph, followed closely by feeling really guilty. but there was nothing i could do to rectify the situation.

the next morning i was woken by some concerned chatter outside my window. the neighbors children were all standing around speculating about the destruction of elizabeth's sunflower. i didn't want to get out of bed. later on that day elizabeths dad had each one of us come into the living room and he put our hands on this machine that was wired up to this black box that had dials all over it. he said it was a lie detector. and i believed him. i stood in the hallway nervously watching each child go in the room. when i walked in he asked me if had anything to do with the snapping of the sunflower. i said no. and even had the nerve to offer up a possibility "maybe it was the wind?"

to this day, i don't know if the truth was discovered.

there is no point to this story. except for the fact that it has stuck with me all these years. it is interesting what memories i have stored amongst the countless situations and moments that i won't ever recall.

this incident also makes me think about honesty. maz is always reminding me to be authentic. to say what i really think/feel. this is hard for me. i don't know if it should be this hard. but being honest, well, it means being vulnerable. but i've been trying. the baha'i writings say that 'truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues'. so since my life of late is all about foundations|foundations|foundations, i think that i may as well start here.

elizabeth, i'm truly sorry.
i snapped your sunflower clear in half.
i was jealous that it was a lot taller than mine.
it was wrong of me to do that to your flower.
and then to lie about it.

ps. did your dad really have a lie detector?

**

sufjan stevens, thanks for accompanying me on this saturday afternoon. if you haven't listened to his music i recommend you start.

**

the Frames are dominating my playlists

yesterday someone asked me if i needed to be told that it is all going to be okay.

i realized that yes. in fact. i did.

don't we all?
i definitely want to be told with conviction that everything will work out fine.
that it will all unfold exactly the way it should.

so that person looked me straight in the eye and told me what i needed to hear most.
and i believe them.

**

i have a spare ticket to crowded house/pete yorn for tuesday night. there are several people who i could invite but i want to go with someone who loves crowded house as much as i do. which is a whole lot.

**

today i realized it is impossible to not smile back at a smiling child. impossible.

**

in a few weeks i'm going to memphis for work.
all i know about memphis is graceland, and that justin timberlake hails from this city.
i will be attending a 'road marketing forum'.
when i told maz this she thought i said a 'rogue marketing forum' and now i must say i'm a little bit dissapointed that it isn't a rogue marketing forum because that sounds like a LOT more fun.

**

dropped by caa today and it was just like old times.
except now i don't feel remotely guilty that i'm talking to m2 and not getting any work done.
hung out in the kitchen rummaging through a massive bag of chocolate seeking the 'bounty bars'
(calm down m2 - i know america calls them mounds bars. but i refuse)
talked about our lives while she stacked the dishwasher.
every now and then i need those check-ins with the people that know me well.

**

saw a dead butterfly on my walk over the bridge today.
it seemed unfair. not right somehow that something so beautiful was lifeless.
i carefully picked it up and cast it over the railing of the bridge.
it floated down to the river.
i just couldn't leave it on the pavement and have it be trampled on.

**

time to head out
music city beckons

**

more wall decal enjoyment

may angels lead you in

september is here.
which means it has been nine months since i moved back to the us of a.
a lot has happened in these nine months.

to sum it up it involved:

moving
hoping
deciding
failing
losing
grieving
surviving
not sleeping
communicating
healing
laughing
scheming and dreaming
partying
flying
risking
falling
leaving
complicating
detatching
wondering
questioning
anticipating
meeting
sharing
praying
trusting
relying

and now i'm thinking about how embryo-to-baby-being-born takes nine months.
and how that is a long time to take care of another heartbeat.
especially when sometimes it is hard enough just taking care of one heartbeat.

this past weekend was amazing.
a reminder of who i am.
what i love.
why life is so sweet.
and the people that walk in and make it sweeter than you believed possible.
my heart is really full.
there is a lot i want to write.
but i don't know where to start tonight.

i will tell you that yesterday i bought these:

and now they feature on my wall.
above my fireplace.
and they make me happy.
very happy.